One third is a bit of arbitrary (THG #8 of 20)
Wordplay isn't really our strong suit. We're more of a kurta people.
Dear reader:
Welcome to another issue of the Hindustan Grimes, where we can only promise you that the stories we publish are not the truth, for now.
If you'll remember, in our February 5th issue, we talked about the backlog in the Indian Judicial System. That was based on real data, and Eggsy created a neat web app to visualise these stats nation wide, state wide, and district wide. You can find the GitHub repository here.
This week, we talk about the most absurd stories that landed on our editors (i.e. our) desks (i.e. computers). We delve into a dick measuring contest within the Public Works Department, and PETA's failed attempts at activism.
Yours bizarrely,
momo and eggsy
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Chronically constipated man keeps shark in bathroom. PETA furious.
PETA India recommends reading Animal Farm for cultivating love for animals
Dalhousie, February 2021: A retired Himachal dentist went viral in January for his unusual solution to chronic constipation. "It all started with the Blue Planet and David Attenborough," says Dr. P Aware, connoisseur of erratic bowels and fear tactics. "I was watching a bit of the Blue Planet in VR and that was when I had the best bowel movements since back when I was ragged in college. I had to go from virtual to real. And so, I made a few calls." The Grimes, at this time, is not predisposed to revealing the contacts.
Following the viral spread of the shark tank in the toilet episode, PETA India filed a complaint with the District Court in Delhi asking for injunctive relief, whereupon the judge dismissed their plea and asked them to look-up the term "jurisdiction". Following the debacle, PETA India sought donations to send a representative to Himachal Pradesh. Two days later, a case was filed in the Chamba District Court.
Dr. Aware has countersued PETA India for vexatious litigation and has demanded additional companion sharks in damages. As evident from our coverage of Dr. Someshwar's report on pending cases in Indian courts, this pair of cases is not expected to be resolved anytime soon.
"This is bullshit. He can't use animals like this," said Ms. P A Sugamana, spokesperson for PETA India. Adventurer and television presenter Bear Grylls added, "Yeah, sharks are so hard to care for. I can get you a good deal on gharials. (They are) easier to keep but just as scary." "Take my tiger," said an amused Joe Exotic.
New developments have come to the fore in a twitter update by Dr. Aware. He has claimed that over the past few weeks PETA India has employed goondas and Bar Council enrolled goondas to intimidate him into releasing the shark. "This has played into my hands," said an elated Dr. Aware. "I have had some of the best bowel movements ever." He is known to have replaced his shark tank with high quality images of PETA representatives, lawyers and goondas.
Irked PWD engineer builds gutter bigger than the road in a bizarre dick measuring contest
US Navy replaces US Air Force as the largest air force in the world
Belgaum, February 2021: Reporters from The Belgaum Grimes recently noted the construction of a 55 feet wide sewer along Dr. Sardar Patel Road in the Nanawadi region of Belgaum. The road itself was only 50 feet wide, with reports suggesting an internal turf war within the Belgaum Municipal Public Works Department.
We were able to speak to a senior insider in the Belgavi District Public Works Department, who was investigating the construction of the sewer. She confirmed that a turf war had surfaced between the Office of Roads, Sidewalks, and Pavements and the Office of Sewage Treatment at the Belgaum Municipal PWD, which was spurred by an office romance gone bad between the respective section chiefs, Mr. Anand Khasbag and Mr. Nana Tilak.
Mr. Tilak and Mr. Khasbag are apparently all the gossip in the surprisingly progressive government office, with the office having multiple running bets on the active "Will they, won't they" situation. A subordinate of Mr. Khasbag who spoke with us on condition of anonymity confirmed that he was incredibly in favour of their relationship, but it simply never seemed to work out. "It reminded me of Ross and Rachel on FRIENDS. It was just never working out. But what's more sad is that even if it works out, they could never get married," he said. "If the information I have received is right, Anand turned Nana down a month and a half ago. After that, everything had been slow, and it was not fun to come to work. Now the office is bubbling with gossip. Dr. Sardar Patel Road was an achievement of Anand's, as it was completed in record time. Now, that is overshadowed by the sewer."
In the meantime, the senior insider confirmed that the plans submitted to the Belgavi District Public Works Department had inflated numbers for the dimensions of the sewer, but were missed by gross incompetence and not by corruption. She confirmed that the district clerk at the department who missed the inflated request had been placed on paid administrative leave, and the two section chiefs were suspended without pay pending the recommendation of the investigation and its report. "From what I understand, this has turned into a bizzare sitcom, and Mr. Nana Tilak must understand that whatever he wished to do with his personal life cannot interfere with the happenings of the PWD. The entire municipal corporation must take stock of the situation and review their actions. Public funds cannot be used for such purposes."
The story gained national attention after a link was shared by Instagram Influencer and Photographer Ordinaire Anand Mitali @anandamitali, and was then picked up by the Delhi Mimes and Times Now. Anand, a self professed poet, subsequently wrote on his Instagram story, "Life is a dick measuring contest. This is a sign that we are human."
"The human characteristic of pithiness can be traced back to the late nineteenth and twentieth century, during the times of Poe and Carlos Williams," he wrote. "The Red Wheelbarrow was actually a great reference to the amount of feelings humans carry around, and express in so few words. Actions speak louder than words."
We were unable to reach Mr. Khasbag or Mr. Tilak for further comment. Anyone who can directly contact them for an interview is requested to contact us at thegrimes@substack.com.
Unfluencers Anonymous expands For Dummies series with Influencing For Dummies
Book now a recommended reading for Nation for NaMo Aspirants
The World Wide Web, February 2021: The For Dummies series is well known for bringing specific domain knowledge to laymen in an easily digestible manner. In its latest addition, it brought to the masses the hip and trending craft of influencing others into agreeing to having advertisements shoved their throats. The book was released by Panda Book Home (PBH) in Autumn 2020, and was the result of over a decade of rigorous research by Armenian researchers, Dr. K'oob Ecaf and Dr. Margat Sni. The book was a bust.
The book sold exactly 37 copies, with the authors buying around 25 of those to gift to friends and family. PBH Executive Ida Rathernot was appalled by the sales, but defended the authors vehemently. "This is to be expected during the release of a book whose target readership has the attention span of a goldfish. We expect that, over time, this book will become a cult classic, much like the film The Room," she said. "In the meantime, we will be utilising other rather unconventional methods for publicity."
PBH has reportedly hired over 73 influencers to publicise this book by using Instagram Reels to summarise the book. Among the influencers hired was Anand Mitali, who we had reached out to for a comment on an unrelated story. He spoke to us at length over the phone. "Books are making less and less sense in the modern world. Man has not evolved to read 300 page theses on base superstructure theory. We have evolved to consume information in byte sized chunks, like the 280 characters of a tweet, or the screenshots of the tweet on Instagram. So it makes sense that modern bookhouses would turn to us to publicise their new books. However, it took me 3 months to read the book, reading two pages a day."
Other influencers further confirmed that they had received pre-prints of the book many months in advance, and had been using the theories extolled in the book to improve their reach. One influencer confirmed that she improved her reach by over 300% using the book. On the other hand, actor and fervent patriot Akshay Kumar took to Koo to talk about his experience growing followers. "These new trends to improve influencing having been made abroad. I've had an exponential growth in my Koo followers. 2X in 25 days. The Aatmanirbhar methods are always better. #IndiaTogether"^ he wrote on Koo.
Book Review: Influencing for Dummies
The Hindustan Grimes' Editorial Board: Dr. Ecaf and Dr. Sni delve into the psychological aspects of influencing, and offer an actionable plan to improve growth while emphasising on what the influencers should keep front and centre: monetisation. While the book is a must read for all influencers, it is unclear if the book will ever reach the intended audience, and this is not so much an indictment of the authors than it is a statement on the state of affairs of the modern world. However, a must read for any average bibliophile with a voracious appetite for knowledge. 5/7.
^Translated from Hindi
The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week
NGO: When you volunteer your financial skills at an organisation and they have you "writing up" their account books with no pay. Commonly confused with Work Experience.
Work Experience: When you approach a corporation/university to work for free with hopes of a letter of recommendation, but you do no significant work to be recommended. Commonly confused with internship.
Internship: When you spend two months on a project for little pay and then the "employees" discard it and do it their own way anyway. Commonly confused with boosting your CV.
Ayubowan,
momo & eggsy