Blurred Lines (THG S3 #7 of 20)
Colouring Within the Lines is Tough Enough As It Is
Dear reader:
Welcome to another issue of The Hindustan Grimes, where the only lines left unblurred are the ones that form the characters we write with.
We bought a domain last week. The substack newsletter can now be found on www.thegrimes.in. Plans to use the domain better are in the works.
This past week Momo has been too busy with work. He is under-appreciated. He is over-worked. I can’t wait for the day his rant shows up on r/antiwork.
Meanwhile, in this issue, I talk about an animating achievement by an alternative-challenged and a deplorable disappointment by a demigod division.
Yours Sometimes,
eggsy
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Gay Man Climbs Mt. Everest Despite Gayness
Liberals Push For More LGBTQ Athletes in Paralympics
Nepal, March 2022: In a breathtaking display of courage and strength that has inspired billions across the globe, Phillip Adelphi (chronically gay) has become the first gay person to climb to the summit of Mt. Everest. Mr. Adelphi has professed that his special needs have not hindered him in any way and that they have helped keep himself motivated instead.
Thousands of wealthy people every year attempt to climb the Everest. With the aid of the Sherpas of the Himalayas, many hundreds of them manage to do so. But, when Mr. Adelphi was offered the same aid, he refused. “I am not beset by a disability like wealth. I will train like a normal person and I will climb like a normal person,” he said.
After several months of arduous training and living with Sherpas in small tents in the Himalayan wilderness, Mr. Adelphi reached the summit of Mr. Everest in the early hours of February 25th. The selfies atop the mountain that landed on Instagram were preceded by pictures of long queues near the selfie spot.
In the wake of the summit climb, the International Paralympic Committee (IPC) has begun facing increased pressure to make the Paralympics more inclusive to LGBTQ athletes. The IPC has formed a special sub-committee to revamp the system and incorporate lgbtq-impairments in the extant ten disability categories. Diplomats have hailed this a development that was long in the making and have expressed relief over the prevailing public support.
Meanwhile, a tweet by Philip Adelphi (@philadelphia) has muddled the relatively calm waters of public opinion. The tweet read: “I don’t have special needs. I’m not differently abled. I just like to fuck men. Stop infantalizing me and find a new slant.” It was quickly deleted and no further tweets acknowledging it were made.
Santa Rave Exclusive Leak Questions the Epitome of Christmas
“Have the adults been lying to the children about christmas or themselves?”: Santa 42
Rovaniemi, March 2022: As the Northern Hemisphere gently moves towards the Spring, the Santas in town and around the globe are slowly sobering up after their two month long extravagant rave following the crunch time that is the week around Christmas. The long awaited week which some describe as one of primeval importance is known among the Santas as unappreciated overtime.
As the Santas sober up, news of their antics arise. The most belligerent of Santas have been allegedly shitting in elves’ mouths and organising alien orgies. While pubcrawling and consequently puking in the streets is common for them as well as generic normie revelers, attempting to fly off houses in sleighs pulled by younglings dressed as sexy reindeers has irked the public. One of the Santas has also been seen performing a cameo in a Marvel-themed music video.
As news of their antics arise, nuisance children are discussed. Many a fairytale talks of children being allowed doses of naughtiness in the wintry months after Christmas. Adults have popularly rationalized the phenomenon as a consequence of adults having poor memory of events occurring too many months prior to the next Christmas, but it has become more evident that it is due to Santas being drunk to their collective tits and remaining unable to remember their arses if they collaboratively tried.
As nuisance children are discussed, some adults find other adults nuisances. SantaCon, which began as an unusual performance art in 1994, was cute for exactly one year before it turned into a vile pub crawl. In its more recent manifestations, SantaCon has turned into a months-long rave and people the globe over have begun condemning Santa Claus as a concept. In a moment of candidness if not of sobriety, a reveling Santa told us: ”There is no spirit of christmas, there is only the spirit. And when the spirit is in the brave, the rave is the spirit.”
As some adults find other adults nuisances, some laymen ponder whether Santa going around everyone’s houses is the reason COVID numbers have peaked in January two years in a row. Experts have dismissed the notion as absolute drivel and utter non-sense, but have asked to remain anonymous for the sake of their five year olds.
In Other News
Membership Numbers of Anonymous Alcoholics Skyrocket
Members join over Zoom. Drink in their own homes. Video optional.
Tolkenian Elves Sue Rowling For Derogatory Representation
“You can’t just call any old non-human an elf. We’re built different”: Dobby, Free Elf
don’t go dying yet,
eggsy