Flying Pigs (THG #13 of 20)

It's been three months and we're still writing. There's bound to be some pigs flying around.

Mar 26, 2021

Dear reader:

Welcome to issue thirteen of The Hindustan Grimes' Season One, where pigs fly or, better yet, call themselves Napoleon and intimidate everyone with their attack dogs.

We're still on instagram @grimeswastaken2 btw. We're going to be releasing our stories over there one at a time, instead of all at once.

This week, we talk about a groundbreaking commercial space flight in the making, about good old ganja, and a movie universe you'd appreciate more on the good old ganja.

Yours highly,

momo & eggsy

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Musk Announces '30 Seconds to Mars' shuttle

Claire Boucher sells the NFT of her twitter handle for $2.5M, changes handle to @martianwomanhunter

Palo Alto, March 2021: In a joint press conference by SpaceX CEO Elon Musk, Claire Elise Boucher (stage name Grimes, not affiliated in any way with The Hindustan Grimes), Jared Leto, and Time Warner CEO Jack Warn, Mr. Musk announced that a commercial shuttle to Mars was scheduled to be open for ticketing this December. "The shuttle will travel to Mars in 30 seconds, orbit the planet once and return to Earth. The pilot mission will also land on the surface to shoot some footage. I would like to thank Time Warner, and their parent company AT&T for funding this mission," said Musk. The move comes after Disney's Fox cancelled SpaceX back in December and left some astronauts without essential supplies, leading to the infamous 'Sniff a Plant' comment. The astronauts were finally rescued in a joint operation by the Indian and Russian space agencies. HBOMax acquired SpaceX soon after.

At the same conference, Jared Leto, representing '30 Seconds to Mars' and Grimes announced a joint album that would be titled 'Mars in 30 seconds', which would include 2 thirty second tracks that would play while going to Mars from the Earth's orbit, and vice versa. The entire trip would only be the duration of the album, and all the songs in the album would be accompanied by a music video, to stream exclusively on HBOMax. "Of course, the music video will be shot during the pilot mission. X Æ A-12 will be on this mission, as will Claire Boucher, Jared Leto, Margot Robbie, Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Henry Cavill, and Harry Lennix," said Mr. Warn. The music video will be jointly directed by Joss Whedon and Zack Snyder.

Zack Snyder was unable to join the press conference in person, but he joined over Zoom, where he thanked HBOMax and SpaceX for the opportunity. "Joss and I are working on the movie together, but I will be working on an extended video, which will be used on similar shuttles to Pluto. It's tentatively titled "Zack Snyder's 6000 seconds to Pluto: The Ultimate Edition of the Director's Cut". This will also include exclusive clips of some unknown moons of Jupiter, and the folks on the commercial mission listening to the album will orbit these moons once and Pluto thrice."

The music video will not be the only video production Snyder will be involved in, as the pilot mission will serve as the backdrop for the pre-production of Zack Snyder's Justice League: The Martian Manhunter Saga. The movie will be shot entirely on location at Mars, with Harry Lennix starring as the titular martian, and with appearances from the other Justice League actors as well. The budget for the movie has not yet been confirmed, but WB and Musk confirmed that the movie would potentially release in theatres and on HBOMax at the end of 2022. Disney spokespeople was unavailable for comment, but Disney's stock price took a sharp drop, while AT&T closed at an all time high.

Cops burn confiscated marijuana. Students stoned.

Canopy Growth Corporation stock price surges after a WSB meme

Manipal, March 2021: In an unusual turn of events, Manipal police burned 25 kilograms of marijuana confiscated from residents of Manipal Institute of Technology's Student Hostel C, behind the hostel. Students who had thought they got away with murder were surprised to find that they would get to relish the harvest too.

Police raids in MIT hostels has been recurrent in the past few years. There was a significant downtick in the number of raids during the lockdown, when the students had been sent home, but it failed to reach zero. Changes in mayoral and police administrations have failed to move the issue to a conclusion. It is now a well-known fact that the police department recruits 18-year-olds right out of school to be trained as informants.

The latest round of raids, conducted last week, were unusual due to the spike in rumours of collusion. Rumours have surfaced that a last minute deal was struck between the raiding cops and the local marijuana dealers. It is believed that the cops were paid cash upwards of two lakhs each to burn the confiscated contraband in the premises itself.

"(This) allows the dealers to introduce their product to new customers and ensures that the police continue to make easy money extorting twenty year old kids," said Jatayu Hans, student secretary of Hostel C. "It's really a win-win situation."

Following the viral spread of Mr. Hans' interview, the Union Home Affairs Ministry has ordered a CBI probe into the issue. The State Home Affairs Ministry has reprimanded the behaviour of the police and have promised to take recreational drug usage and enforcement against it more seriously.

A few students were interviewed in the aftermath of the burning of the marijuana behind the hostel. When asked about the detrimental effects it can have on the lungs, a red-eyed garrulous twenty-two year old answered, "I am training to be a pulmonologist. Trust me. It's not a problem."

Meanwhile, an MIT student was diagnosed with a concussion after being hit on the head with a hard solid non-metallic mineral matter by a stoner.

Rohit Shetty's Cop Universe To Get The Avengers (2012) Style Ensemble Alien Threat Movie

Stunt directors and VFX artists remain unconcerned

Bombay, March 2021: Over the past decade, most successful (quantified by revenue) Hollywood movies have belonged to one or the other superhero franchises. Picking up on that trend, Bollywood might be on the cusp of getting such a franchise of its own. With Singham (2011), Simmba (2018), and Sooryavanshi (2021) establishing three separate S-heavy^ heroes in Rohit Shetty's Cop Universe, an ensemble movie is slated to be released next year to bring the shared cop universe together.

Film pundits suggest that this might be Reliance Entertainment's attempt to become Disney. After acquiring DreamWorks Pictures and other big production companies over the years, it is set to establish its own shared universe. "We wouldn't be surprised if they set up a Cop Universe theme park next. It will be a riot," said Ms. Swadeshi Kaur, a purveyor of Indian films.

Rohit Shetty, director of all the movies in the Cop Universe, is known to be looking for indigenous inspiration for the upcoming ensemble movie. At the top of the inspirational list is the Life OK hit television show, SuperCops vs Supervillains. "There are over 500 episodes in the show. I have spent most of the lockdown watching, analysing, and taking down notes," said a very sleep deprived Rohit Shetty. "But the science fiction is so fictional and the horror is so horrifying. It's all worth it."

Mr. Shetty believes that Indian producers and directors are just not ambitious enough. Big budget superhero movies with explicitly and exquisitely placed humour is today's zeitgeist, and we are falling behind. "If people want flying cars, exploding power plants, falling buildings, piercing head shots, spandex-wearing know-it-all rogues, and of course earth-levelling megalomaniac green aliens, we should give it to them," he added.

The RS's CU currently has 3 blockbuster movies, 1 more in the making, 2 currently running spin-off animated television shows, and 2 video games. The ensemble movie, rumoured to be titled Sammelan, is expected to be the capstone of Phase One and lead to a bunch of more work in Phase Two.

In a recent interview, actor Akshay Kumar said he was ready to be an indigenous superhero. "My manager is in talks with Rohit to add superpowers to my character," he said. Upon being asked about the powers he already has in the movie, he said, "Yeah, yeah, we have the power of patriotism and incorruptibility and super-strength and flight and all, but I want real superpowers like heat-vision and time bending."

^ S for hope.

PS: We also like how RSCU is an EE away from RESCUE.

The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week

Credit: The ability to buy a samosa at the local tea stall without having to pay for it until the end of the week. Commonly confused with acquaintance benefit.

Acquaintance benefit: The joy of seeing someone you recognize at the park and nodding, with the additional joy of not needing to have a conversation. Commonly confused with awkwardness.

Awkwardness: When you run into the owner of the local tea stall at the mall, and they see you paying money to eat in the food court as you nod awkwardly. Commonly confused with "Small world!"

Manci roju,