Hindsight 20:21 (THG S3 #1 of 20)
Because 20:20 Vision clearly didn’t result in a better 2021.
Dear reader:
Yes, it’s another issue of The Hindustan Grimes, where we bring you high quality, meticulously researched, well written, and ornately manufactured fake news.
We’re back for a third season. You’re welcome.
This week, we report on a historic event for monarchies the world over, talk about the benefits of being tall, and reveal Amazon’s newest productivity push.
Yours once again,
momo & eggsy
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Norwegian Monarch Chooses Unemployment Over Monarchy
Says: "The govt. allowance is the same, but at least I won't get called 'scum' in the streets anymore"
Oslo, December 2021: The King of Norway will be abdicating his kingship and opting to move into government housing over the New Year’s, a source at the palace’s press office confirmed. The official announcement was made 3 hours later by His Majesty Simon Pegg II of Norway himself.
“I have been living in a lavish royal palace. But my personal allowance is the same as the unemployment benefits offered by the Norwegian Labour and Welfare Administration (NAV). This is a good thing, I have no doubt about that. But the monarchy has become obsolete and is just a reason for people to throw tomatoes and eggs at my motorcade or call me ‘scum’ when I take my evening walk. Hence, I am abdicating my post as the Monarch of Norway. As my final act as Monarch, I am sending a letter to The Storting (the Norwegian Parliament) to dissolve the Monarchy once and for all. My wife, Erica, will be moving with me to government housing. The other beneficiaries of the monarchy will stay on, but there is no heir to the throne. It is my hope that The Storting is sorting that out. Hahaha (n-sic).”
The Press Office of the Monarch put out an extended press release, elaborating the king’s various reasons for opting out of the monarchy. The press release was informal in nature. For instance, one of the points for reason of abdication was, “I was not vibing with the monarchy. I’ve always thought I was built different, you know?”
Media outlets in Norway found it “weird” and “out-of-fashion” for such an abdication to occur. HM Simon Pegg II has one son, actor Simon Pegg III, who is currently filming Mission: Impossible 8 with Tom Cruise in Belgium. His agent didn’t respond to the Grimes’ request for a comment or an interview, but he did return a comment to the BBC. “I am not a beneficiary or a fan of the monarchy. I prefer Scientology, that’s why I’m working with Tom. I’m glad father is stepping down though, good for him. I hope he finds his true passion, before his thetan leaves his meat body and the MEST.”
Subsequently, the President of The Storting, Labour MP Mahmoud Ghani, put out his own statement in support of the Monarch’s decision. He held a press conference shortly after. Answering a question about the future of the monarchy, he said, ”There is no direct heir to the throne, and the laws regarding succession have been largely repealed. It is therefore unlikely that the next king will be announced till The Storting comes back in session to determine the successor, or if there will be any successor at all. As a result, we are calling an emergency session of The Storting to elect a temporary head of state. This election will have to happen before the New Year’s.” The Labour Party controls the parliament, and political insiders have said that it seems to be a genuine possibility that Norway will become a full Republic when The Storting convenes next. However, broad public opinion against such a move remains.
Meanwhile, monarchists the world over are disappointed in this decision. The International Society for the Promotion of Monarchies (ISPM) put out a strongly worded statement against the decision, and took out full front page advertisements in major newspapers of countries with monarchies such as Britain and Sweden with the words “YOU COULD BE NEXT”, warning citizens of the possibility of republicanism. The chief spokesperson for the ISPM, Ms. Alvay S. Queen, was on the BBC Norway Tonight, making her case for The Storting to reject the Monarch’s letter of abdication. It is unclear on whether the Norwegian Parliament holds such a power, and we could not defer to our in-house Norwegian Law Expert as we couldn’t afford one for this article.
In the meantime, the King of Norway has been doing quite a few media interviews himself, a practice frowned upon for members of royal families. “I’ve always wanted to learn knitting,” the 85 year old Monarch said to CNN. “As a king, it’s important to have a steady hand. My age will not affect this. Maybe I could get a job knitting caps and sweaters? I’ll have to find out. I really do hope they listen to me and institute Universal Basic Income. Then I won’t be afraid to actually get a job that pays less, and learn skills at my own pace. But for now, Unemployment Benefits should be enough. I hope we save enough to get our own place soon, we will have to rely on government housing till then.”
We requested an exclusive interview with the King, and have one scheduled for later today. Our Patreon members can find it here when it is uploaded. He has requested us to call him Simon during the interview, and it seems like he’s handling his own email.
Studies Find Tall Men More Successful
Unrelated independent study finds most successful men actually two short women in trench-coats
Newcastle upon Tyne, December 2021: There are many theories as to why tall men are more successful. Some believe they only appear more successful and that it is an optical illusion. Some others believe that it is because their height helps them snoop, eavesdrop, and altogether cheat more efficiently. Evidently, as a consequence of basic mathematics, some people are stupider than average.
Dr. Psize d’N-Mathers, a pioneering researcher at the Institute of Size and Other-such-things in Brobdingnag, Ohio, believes that Size Matters. He has led many studies across North America and Europe to find evidence toward it, but has come short on every such occasion. His colleagues at the ISO confide in us that while size may matter, the results from his rather small studies don’t.
Jonathan Rauch, author of eight books and numerous articles on public policy, culture, and government, wrote a groundbreaking article for the Economist in 1995 titled “Short Guys Finish Last”. The conversation about height discrimination had commenced, yet short men continued to be looked down upon and talked down to. Efforts were made to cancel the phrases: “looking down upon” and “talking down to”, but people took unkindly to such efforts in a bid to take the moral high ground against cancel culture.
Jonathan makes the case that tall men fare better at politics, business, professional status, finding jobs, making money, and even mating. “Not only do tall people grow richer, rich people grow taller. They enjoy well-nourished childhoods and better health.” The popular urban meme about women on dating apps seeking men over 6’ in height, while exaggerated, has some truth to it. Jonathan opines that there is no good news for short men, but also finds silly the notion of SHRIMPs (Severely Height-Restricted Individuals of the Male Persuasion) as an oppressed social group.
The obstacles due to Gender Discrimination are often described or otherwise attributed to the Glass Ceiling effect. In the case of Height Discrimination, it may well be described as short men’s inability to reach for the ceiling at all. Society, failing to make empathy ladders available, has instead chosen to watch shamelessly and laugh at short men’s dumpy efforts at the disdain trampoline. It is high time that either more ladders are built or the ground made slopy.
Amazon to Genetically Modify Workers for Increased Productivity
FDA approves genetic treatment of workers following DARPA experiments
Hyderabad, December 2021: While teens and youths of all generations have had their times of reckless sleep cycles and deprivation, it has been popularly known that regular lack of sleep leads to ill effects ranging from fatigue and irritability to difficulty in concentration and black-outs, severely increasing risk of injury and accidents.
Neurologists specializing in sleep research at the University of California, San Francisco have found a bunch of people, specimens, who seem to get only 5 hours of sleep a night, 2-2.5 hours less than average, but show no ill effects of sleep deprivation at all. Dr. Fu, at UCSF, found that mutations in the genes DEC2, ADRB1, and NPSR1 caused short sleepers to stay awake longer as well as have an increased drive. "It was torture for them to do nothing," said Dr. Jones, a neurologist. It is believed that mutations in these genes alter neurotransmitter levels in the brain.
Researchers have also studied the short sleep trait in mice. Genetic mutations were introduced in mice and they were subsequently observed to test the gene's function. It was found that the genetically-altered mice also slept for fewer hours and showed no ill effects. The mice were more active and productive than regular mice, and had better memories, despite sleeping less.
"The welfare of our workers has been the management's top priority since the beginning," said Mrs. Tazos, Chief of Research at Amazon HR. "We have always been about our workers. We are always looking to make them more comfortable and provide them an above average standard of living." She added: "Recently, there have been complaints from workers as well as corrupt voyeuristic worker unions. We are not going to just ignore them. We listen. We are going to reduce worker down time so that they can work more hours and, therefore, increase their earnings and live better."
Amazon.com, Inc. has been at the forefront of research in worker productivity. With over a million employees on payroll, Amazon has had the opportunity to conduct their research experimentally. There are many aspects of productivity and they have tried different methods to boost them. Previously tried methods include banning pee breaks and using wireless internet jammers to prevent social media use in-house. But these techniques attract negative press attention, and Amazon’s HR department is under the impression that genetic modifications will be better received. “There have only been one or two casualties in our research thus far. And those folks were fatigued before the experiment, so there’s no question of compensation to their families at any rate,” said Tazos.
Amazon’s Chief of Business Strategy, Mr. Henry J. Waternoose IV, spoke to us as well. “The FDA has approved all our experiments, and we are moving to gain Emergency Use Authorisation, a status that has only ever been granted to COVID19 vaccines, to our experiments as well, so we can expand it country wide,” said Waternoose. “We are also working closely with the EU and the EEA to get approval for the same there, though that will be a tougher battle. Governments of countries like India and Turkey, however, seem enthusiastic about these moves, and their labour ministries have reached out preemptively to set up pilot programmes in their countries.”
The FDA was unavailable for comment, and activist groups, shocked at the news, are yet to put out statements against (or for) Amazon’s activities. An anonymous scientist said that Amazon’s research was dangerous, citing many ethical concerns including potential eugenic applications. “This kind of thinking led to Nazi Germany. This is not ethical, and can have really bad implications in other spaces. They’re not thinking this through,” they said. However, the researcher kept the call brief and stayed anonymous as they were worried Amazon would block their research by buying out their university’s board.
In Other News
Netflix Series The Crown to get a Spin-Off Titled The Republic
We will take Britain kicking and screaming into the 21st century: Producer
People Against Heightism (PAH) ban all Oasis work post 2000
Claim “Standing on the Shoulders of Giants” is demeaning
Amazon buys Swedish Smart Mattress Company; Plans Mass Production
Pavlov’s work to be resurrected. Beds to prime workers after five hours of sleep.
Terveiset,
momo & eggsy