Hindsight 20:20
Round up of a normal year in bizarre times and why we are writing a newsletter
Dear reader:
We have found, after extensive research, that we can put together words in ways that make them seem real. We also found that when people read these well arranged sequences of words, they feel like laughing (some actually do) or crying (no one honestly).
So in order to entertain, and possibly inform, more people and keep ourselves engaged, we bring to this world a newsletter.
The Hindustan Grimes, brought to you by momo and eggsy.
In this edition, we bring you stories from across 2020, an year filled with a pandemic and lockdowns, uncertain employment and citizens conflicted about Chinese electronics. If we missed something, it likely was deliberate.
We hope to bring you weekly newsletters covering satirical, hot, and potentially humorous takes on the news. Subscribe below, so you can get future newsletters delivered directly in to your inbox, and share it with your friends if you like it.
We hope you have as much fun reading as we have writing.
Yours pretentiously,
momo & eggsy
PS: This is a special edition and an annual round up, and hence, it contains 6 stories. The weekly newsletters to follow will contain just 3.
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So Long, and Thanks for All the Pills
New Delhi, June 2020: Facing excessive public scrutiny over allegations of westernisation and pseudo-intellectualism, the government has finally caved and will be eliminating certain ministries and departments, and absorbing their staff into their indigenous counterparts.
The first to go will be the Ministry of Health and Family Welfare. Its employees will be absorbed into the Ministry of Ayurveda, Yoga & Naturopathy, Unani, Siddha and Homoeopathy (AYUSH), which will take point as the primary and only health ministry. The AYUSH ministry is also in the process of setting up a COVID task force, which will subsume and replace the existing MoHFW COVID task force. "AYUSH vaccines will be ready in September, and all of India will be vaccinated by December," a PIB spokesperson said, in a statement prepared for the AYUSH ministry.
This move has attracted great criticism from the Indian Medical Association and the international community, but has been widely praised by many middle and upper-middle class nationalists as a good move.
Update, New Delhi, December 2020: The government has also promulgated new regulations, via ordinance, allowing individuals trained in Ayurveda and Naturopathy to conduct surgeries. Homeopathy will soon follow, a source said. Medical Doctors and the IMA have gone on strike, but the government has called the legitimacy of the doctors striking into question. "There are clearly some anti-national elements, along with the opposition and fringe religious fundamentalists, who are hijacking these protests. The real doctors are the Ayurvedic doctors, who have been treating our people for millennia for extremely affordable pricing, as opposed to the western quacks who only exist to serve foreign corporations," the ruling party secretary said at a rally in Noida yesterday.
This move comes after a sharp increase in criticism being levelled at the AYUSH ministries following their failure to deliver on their vaccine promises. The underfunded NCDC and the understaffed old health ministry are attempting to work with the commerce ministry to set up an effective supply chain to deliver COVID19 vaccines across the country in early-mid 2021. It is therefore unclear if the old Health Ministry will be shut down on the date specified as per the previously released transition plan. The Health Minister’s office was unavailable for comment.
China refuses to fight war citing social distancing, suggests Call of Duty tournament instead
CS:GO players outraged; claim their Zombie mods better
New Delhi, July 2020: Diplomatic talks with China have taken a turn for the new. In an unprecedented move, China has called for a ceasefire. India has a significantly higher number of COVID19 active cases. Chinese officials have claimed that this has forced their hand to call for distancing their soldiers from the infection. "India is chock full of COVID19 infection. We cannot allow our soldiers to face such dangers," said a diplomat from Beijing.
In the intervening period, while the pandemic subsides, China is proposing a winner-takes-all Call of Duty Battle Royale style tournament. As a display of their generosity, Beijing has offered to play the first tournament for 10 km of (currently) Chinese controlled territory in the Aksai Chin region.
While the Indian diplomats have claimed this as a victory for India and hailed the current ruling central government as the best in history, the military top brass are not amused. "No. No. We can't agree to that," said General Thimayya, Chief of the Defence Staff. "They are bound to use aimbot hacks. Cheating is in their nature." The Chinese spokesperson was unavailable for comment on the accusations of cheating as it was a Wednesday.
Meanwhile, Indian players have been griping that all their gaming equipment were made in China. They are now worried that if they were to use them against the Chinese teams, their gear could get remotely deactivated. The Indian Brotherhood of Gamers (IBG) has now moved to support the Make in India movement.
"Majority of our hacks came from our Chinese comrades [n-sic]. But, now I'm not sure if we'll be able to get the latest updates. Our indigenous hackers specialize in phishing. They don't help us gaming folks," tweeted one disgruntled gamer, @hackislife69420.
In an exclusive interview with Rohit Ambani, India's unanimous best gamer, we learn about how these developments have changed the gaming scene. "Yes. It's all changing. We're being forced to learn how to deal with game mechanics without the hacks. In light of this new information, my team has pioneeringly [sic] actually started practising. We have been frantically trying to get good."
Seeing the opportunity to enter another market, Indian conglomerate Jio has offered to refurbish, overhaul, and technologise Mumbai's Wankhede Stadium for the e-sport and supply the entire area with free electricity and high-speed fiber internet. They propose to rebrand it Jio Stadium. Also, in lieu of new partnerships, starting September, with Jio subscriptions of over INR400, customers can avail INR100 Steam gift cards.^
*n-sic=not sic.
^Disclosure: We are not sponsored by Jio. We would like to though.
Facing extreme dearth, Airlines consider offering Pay Now, Fly WheNever^#
Among other measures, Air India hires Uber consultants; asks pilots to take care of their own parking and fuel; introduces pilot ratings
Mumbai, July 2020: The pandemic has grounded all domestic flights for over three months now forcing the entire industry to a halt. We queried the Airport Authority of India about what they were doing to alleviate the situation for the severely depressurising airlines, and they told us off firmly: "This is how capitalism works. If you cannot sustain yourselves, you perish." They also added that they wouldn't be paying any more than scrapyard prices for their planes.
Meanwhile, Air Traffic Controls from 5 metro cities across India have come together to organise a multiplayer ATC simulator tournament. After spending two months relieved that their government jobs will neither terminate nor pay any lesser, they've now sought to busy themselves. While the AAI maintains that this is only to keep their employees ready for resumption, the crash fest during the match between the Kolkata and Chennai teams says otherwise. "Yesterday some kids from Kota broke into our servers and schooled my boss," said Ali, a junior executive at Mumbai ATC, "it was the most impressive work I've ever seen. We have asked the defence staff to include ATC tournaments in this and subsequent wars with China."
The two chefs making all the overpriced in-flight food domestically have been rehabilitated successfully. Speeding down empty roads in structurally safe vehicles delivering food is making them feel right at home. However, they did not appreciate the transition as much.
The pandemic has affected not just the industry but some of the executives' personal lives too. Mr. Hawa, CEO of Udanchoo Airlines hasn't been able to see his second family in Delhi ever since all his flights were grounded. "Meeting my air hostesses online just isn't the same," adds his rival, Mr. Hawai of Airlines India grumblingly.
^Hopefully. #Offers invalid if we declare bankruptcy
Mainland China in Hot Soup, Zomato Rating Down to 1.3
Beijing alleges a resurgence of McCarthyism
Hyderabad, August 2020: Angad Chatterjee, founder and chairman of Speciality Restaurants Ltd., Mainland China's holding company was caught unawares by review bombings on Zomato and on both the iOS and Android app stores, spurred by nationalist sentiment. "My restaurants and my employees are all 100% Indian," Mr. Chatterjee pleads to the masses on twitter.
In an exclusive interview with The Hindustan Grimes, Mr. Chatterjee griped about the activism. "Me, my company, my employees are all Indian. All the ingredients we use are Indian. Even our recipes are Indian, they only sound like they are Chinese. All this internet activism is very bad for indigenous businesses like ours."
The upper management has now made it a policy to cover up all mention of the word 'China' and its variants on shop-fronts, hoardings, banners, posters, and menu-cards, with black fabric or paint. This was in direct response to the violent incident that took place in Hyderabad last week. "Four days ago, one of our restaurant managers was beaten up by gang of nationalist hooligans. Our policy changes came into effect nationally three days ago. We cannot endanger our employees any further."
The district police has been investigating the matter. Inspector Singham, the officer-in-charge has stated that the investigation is running into some friction. The community has been hiding the suspects and are not cooperating with the police.
Two days ago, the Indian Intelligence Bureau intercepted coded messages and was able to learn of Chinese sympathisers disguising as Mainland China employees. This has led to a series of arrests simultaneously on all Mainland China premises across the country. "We have reliable information that Mainland China was a cover for multiple sleeper cells. We did not fall for their double bluff," said Mr. Kumar, director of the IB. "They will be fools to think we cannot fight the war on two fronts. We will fight both on the outside and the inside, both online and offline."
A Chinese spokesperson has responded on Twitter claiming this an act of McCarthyism. "They are making accusations of subversion and treason without proper regard for evidence. #India merely issued these arrests to justify itself. It cannot give one example of Indian citizens arbitrarily detained in China. Many Chinese citizens are searched, harassed, or monitored in India without cause. The ghost of #McCarthyism is rising from the dead."
When twitterati reminded him that the people arrested were Indian citizens, he retracted his earlier message and tweeted, "Understandable. Have a great day."
Enraged by college administration, student sends in Molotov cocktail (with usage instructions)
Admin messes up the instructions, molotov cocktail fails
Shillong, November 2020: A student at Shillong SciTech, a prominent govt. college in the state, was angered by his institute's decisions during the pandemic that severely hindered his studies, and sent in a large box of items to the admin building of the institute. The box contained, among other objects, a cage containing a mouse, a pigeon, and the ingredients for a molotov cocktail, along with instructions to build and use it. The administrative staffer who received it confused it for a DIY lamp they had ordered, and began following the instructions to construct it, to no success. A different staffer realised what the instructions meant and called the police at once.
A top level college staffer told us, on the condition of anonymity, that the staffer that attempted the failed construction of the molotov cocktail has been placed on paid administrative leave. The instruction manual attached was leaked by the source, and can be found below. However, we were unable to obtain the exact contents of the note sent by the student.
A source at the police department confirmed to us that the handwriting seemed to be that of a man's, but no further headway had been made. "Clearly this is a disturbed individual, lashing out in a disturbed fashion. The district police will not rest until the individual has been caught. We don't need the help of the CBI, our own squad is more than capable of apprehending the suspects." The source said, after additional rumours of a turf war surfaced between the district police and the CBI.
Meanwhile, the biotechnology department of the institute has taken custody of the live mouse, and the pigeon has reportedly been whisked away by the Intelligence Bureau, where it will be trained to deliver messages to their assets across the Punjab border. "The pigeon was alive after 5 days with minimal oxygen. This is an asset the Indian government can't let go to waste," the PIB said in an official release for the Intelligence Bureau on Friday.
Zuckerberg appears before the European Parliament, faces allegations of anti-competitive behaviour and foreign electioneering
EP Select Committee grills him on issues such as fact-checking, and press questions him on allegations of bestiality
Brussels, December 2020: Billionaire and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg came under fire for his testimony to the European Parliament (EP) this week. "It is not our place to fact check people, because there are always two sides to the issues. Facebook's official no-fact-checking policy will remain in place perpetually." he said to the EP in an extensive parliamentary hearing. Mr Zuckerberg was grilled on many issues, ranging from fact-verification, anti-trust issues to foreign election meddling.
The chair of the European Parliamentary Select Committee on Technology Firms, Mr. Altenhoffen, grilled Mr. Zuckerberg on Facebook's alleged role in meddling with the 2016 US Presidential Election, and in the subsequent 2019 Indian General Election. "Mr. Zuckerberg, you must be well aware that the CIA holds a monopoly on election meddling, and that is the only monopoly we approve of, as it serves the greater good. You must stop aiding and abetting other electioneering interests at once." Mr. Altenhoffen, a distinguished parliamentarian from Germany, previously served as a delegate on behalf of the European Commission during Greece's negotiations with the troika during the 2015 Greek debt crisis, and has been credited with pressuring the Greek PM to cave to the troika's conditions in July 2015.
The EP also plans to call on a number of expert witnesses as the testimony continues tomorrow, including Lina Khan, anti-trust expert and associate professor at Columbia Law.
Due to the COVID19 pandemic, Mr. Zuckerberg preferred to testify from home, and held a live Zoom press meet soon after, where he was questioned on rumours of bestiality. "Mr Zuckerberg, how do you respond to allegations that you have a peacock fetish?," asked a reporter. Mr Zuckerberg dodged the allegations at once, stating that what happens on his large private farm with many animals stays on his large private farm with many animals. His PR team ended the press meet soon after, requesting the participants to reach the Facebook outreach team for further comment.
The rumours of bestiality have arisen after Mr. Zuckerberg was noticed on a zoom call with Bestiality Anonymous by a paparazzo who zoom bombed the session. "It was really disturbing, the amount of detail he went into," the paparazzo said, "I mean, to each his or her own and all that, but I don't think the peacock understands consent. This is wrong! He needs help!" Facebook was unavailable for comment, but it is worth mentioning that the after-hearing press meet was covered on Facebook, and given an absence of any fact checking policy on the platform, we can not, in good conscience, confirm the veracity of the bestiality claims.
The Grimes’ Definition of the Week
Demonetisation: When the food vendor at your college fest refuses to take the previous days' coupons. Commonly confused with curbing tax evasion.
Arrividerci!
momo and eggsy