Ji Mantriji (THG #15 of 20)
"Men are animals too, you know!" "I know, I've just come from Parliament."
Dear reader:
Welcome to the Election Special Issue of The Hindustan Grimes. We enthusiastically ask whether your vote matters and come to the veracious conclusion that it does not.
This week, we bring you special takes on issues highly relevant to the ongoing polls, so as to help you make an informed decision of whether to take weed or meth before heading to the polling station.
Yours sincerely,
momo & eggsy
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DMK apologises & retracts criticisms after PM claims that BJP doesn't discriminate based on religion
EC seizes and impounds 100 BMW cars that were delayed in the Suez by the Ever Given
Chennai, April 2021: In a speech last week, the Prime Minister made a bombshell revelation that he and his party, the BJP, do not discriminate based on religion. Following the speech, DMK Party Secretary D Murugan and Propaganda Secretary T Tamilselvan put out a joint statement apologising to the BJP and its cadre for having claimed that they were religious bigots in the past. "All statements made by the party and top party cadre in this regard stand retracted. We thought that the BJP discriminated against religious minorities. But the PM's speech is a very clear indicator that they do not. We profusely apologise for having claimed anything to the contrary."
Following the joint statement, the DMK edited their manifesto, and sources well placed in the Dravidian party tell us that they are considering a last minute poll alliance with the BJP. The Indian National Congress is not amused by the rumours. K S Alagiri, the president of the TN Congress Committee, spoke to The Grimes soon after. "I understand that the DMK was wrong about the BJP. We all were. The PM's speech really cleared things up. But poll alliances are important, they are a cornerstone of electoral democracy," he said.
"What the fuck is DMK smoking?" asked CPI(M) spokesperson, Ms. Samanata Nair. "This clarification by the BJP is meaningless. Why stay silent about it for the six years in power? Why speak now?" Meanwhile, Shiv Sena MLA Shri Shiv Matonkar said, "Lol (sic) they fell for it."
The BJP accepted the DMK's apology, but said they would only consider an electoral alliance after they received an assurance from that the DMK that they don't discriminate based on religion or caste either. Reports suggest that the DMK has convened an all party meet to discuss a response to the BJP's clapback. They have not yet put a statement out at the time of publication of this article.
In related news, the Election Commission seized a large number of BMWs being transported via ship to Chennai's port. The ship was allegedly delayed due to the Suez Canal blockage, and the cars were ordered due to miscommunication within a party. The EC said that they were not yet predisposed to revealing which party was guilty of the crime. BMW is a common slang used to refer to "Blankets, Money and Wine", items that are allegedly distributed to buy votes. Reportedly, a young party official didn't understand the slang, and placed an order for a 100 BMWs. The BMWs were then being shipped over from Europe, but the emails were intercepted by the Election Commission, which then seized the vehicles and impounded them. The cars will go on auction in July.
Poll Workers suspended in alleged weed for votes scheme. EC investigating.
Experts oppose e-voting proposal citing privacy concerns photo identification
Dispur, April 2021: Multiple polling booths in the capital city of Assam have been shut down, with the Election Commission ordering a repoll in two constituencies after reports of an alleged weed for votes scheme was exposed by a concerned citizen. 120 poll workers have been suspended, with 16 of them in government custody as the EC investigates the conspiracy across other constituencies.
There were reportedly two parts of the scheme. Firstly, candidates were not allowed to cast their votes unless they handed over 10 grams of weed, or 5 grams of methamphetamine. To be extra considerate to the citizens they were extorting, an associate had set up a weed store two streets from the polling place. Methamphetamine, however, would need to be obtained by the citizens on their own.
Extortion was merely the beginning of the scheme. Party functionaries were observed approaching the electors with weed for votes. The scheme, arrived at at the all-party conference surreptitiously held online every weekend, started with a requirement of a minimum of 200 grams for one vote, with additional votes for 10 grams each. Meth was allowed as well, though the EC has not confirmed how those transactions were taking place and what the numbers were. Overall, the EC has seized 40 kgs of weed, and 2 kgs of methamphetamine across 19 polling stations and two constituencies.
The Election Commission has also linked this scheme to the recent incident involving the BJP MLA alleged to have been involved in transporting an EVM to the polling station. Reportedly, the MLA had smoked some of his own weed, and accidentally loaded the EVM into his own car, rather than to an alternate car, to transport it to the polling station. "Mahatma Gandhi said it best. Don't get high on your own supply. These people don't understand Gandhi's words. And they get caught. It works out for us," said a source at the EC.
The Election Commission is taking a closer look at the polls cast across Assam, and has ordered repolls at over 45 polling stations as of 6 pm on Thursday night. Stay tuned for further updates.
Rekha Arya: A Profile of an Animal Welfare Activist
Samarkand, April 2021: Rekha Arya is the current Minister of Women and Child Welfare, Government of Uttarakhand and member of the Bharatiya Janata Party. The writer of her Wikipedia page also bestows her the title of Uttarakhand Maata, although our team could neither validate the authenticity of the title nor of its award.
Rekha's singular claim to fame is from mid-2016, when she was a Congress legislator, went missing for four days, and then turned up to the assembly as a BJP member in an attempt to oust the then Congress Chief Minister.
"Cow is the only animal that not only inhales oxygen, but also exhales it." ~ Rekha Arya, circa 2018, as Minister of Animal Husbandry, Uttarakhand
Okay, we do not contest that cows exhale oxygen, but it is not the only species, by far. Every species inhales oxygen and exhales oxygen, and also nitrogen, and argon, and carbon dioxide, and trace amounts of neon, helium, methane, krypton, and hydrogen. You inhale all of it. And then your lungs take up some of the oxygen and then returns the rest back. There is no magical barrier at the nose that stops all the gases except for oxygen.
If you've not got the gist of it already, then let us spell it out for you. No, cows do not produce oxygen. No animal does, which at the end of the day, is what a cow is. It is just an animal, which we exploit more so than others probably, but that is a discussion for another time.
"The cow is treated as an incarnation of motherhood. The cow's milk is scientifically considered the best for a newborn after his mother's milk." ~ Rekha Arya, circa 2018, seeking the status of 'Rashtra Mata' for the cow
While we found no scientific literature to support her claim, we did find a World Health Organisation advisory noting that unmodified cow's milk should not be fed to infants. As a minister who holds both the portfolios of Women and Child Welfare, and Animal Husbandry, this is stupid at best and directly endangering the lives of infants at worst.
It is also to be noted that she very freely used the term "scientifically" with no citation of real research, which, no surprises, has fooled a lot of gullible people. She managed to get the resolution seeking the status of 'rashtra mata' for the cow passed through the Uttarakhand assembly unanimously. She then went on to talk about the "medicinal qualities" of cow urine...
We found this draft in front of an unconscious correspondent who has since been diagnosed with Post Research Stress Disorder. In honour of our asylum-bound correspondent, we have kept the draft unedited.
The Grimes’ Definition of The Week
BMW: "Be my wife", a common refrain rich men use while courting someone clearly out of their league with a Bayerische Motoren Werke AG car. Commonly confused with 'Blanket, Money and Wine’.
Blanket, Money, Wine: What seekers of Roti, Kapda, Makaan get, twice every five years. Commonly confused with vote buying.
Vote buying: When you earn crores of rupees while in office, but have to spend some of it so you can continue to earn for another term. Commonly confused with seed capital.
Good day! (This message has been authenticated by a VVPAT)
momo & eggsy