Unpaid Leaves (THG S3 #8 of 20)
To Unionise and Fight the Fruits and Roots of Exploitation
Dear reader:
Welcome to another issue of The Hindustan Grimes, where we grow our own organic news, ferment and distill it, and serve it in awkward two- or three-piece chunks.
Momo is still busy at work. He has the kind of boss who offers him a day of leave, gets pissed when Momo takes him up on the offer, and then has him work on the “unpaid leave” day anyway.
This week I talk about two policy making organisations being lobbied by corporations, so business as usual.
Yours unconscionably incorporated,
eggsy
Apple Lobbies Congress To Allow Self-Destruct Routines in iPhones
Planned Obsolescence to be Phased Out
Cupertino, March 2022: While the world is busy with the slow attenuation of a global pandemic and a rapid escalation of a nuclear threat, Apple Inc. has sneaked in a bill in the US Congress for self-destruct routines to be made available in iPhones. Reports suggest that the bill would pass undebated. President Biden is not expected to take a stance against a representative of “Corporate America”.
Apple has been accused of using planned obsolescence strategies numerous times as documented by tech media, blogs, memes, and lawsuits. The Cupertino tech giant has paid over half a billion dollars in numerous settlements and fines around the world but has always unequivocally stated that it would never do anything to intentionally shorten the life of any Apple product.
“There has been too much bad press about planned obsolescence, so we’re taking a proactive alternative defense,” said Kim To’ok, Apple’s corporate spokesperson. “People keep moaning and complaining online about how we will use any means necessary to sell you new devices. Some even sue us. But, now, with the passage of this bill, it’s all legal baby.”
Tech enthusiasts believe that this is the beginning of the end. “The slowing down of iPhones after updating was bad enough, but now after a couple years of purchase, the phones will literally crash and burn. It’s like carrying a bomb in your pocket. As soon as a new phone hits the market, you’ll have to buy it coz the old one will just go ka-boom!!” read a reddit post on r/technology that was quickly deleted by moderators for not following posting rules.
“We also support Ukraine and its citizens in this time of turmoil, as exemplified by my yellow shirt and blue blazer,” said Ms. To’ok during the press conference. “Now imagine if they had allowed our self-destruct tech earlier. We could have destroyed Russian convoys while they just innocently scrolled on their phones. The Ukrainians could have just airdropped bombs instead of making molotov cocktails.”
President Zelensky was unavailable for comment but is believed to be appreciative of Apple’s thoughts in trying times.
UN General Assembly Passes Resolution Approving Limberkey Process Certification Scheme (LPCS)
Artificially Synthesised Diamonds from Human Remains to be labelled Blood Diamonds
New York, March 2022: The Kimberley Process Certification Scheme was established in 2003 as a means to identify “conflict diamonds”, or more popularly known as blood diamonds, and to prevent their entry into the market. The naïve attempt at preventing diamond purchases from financing gratuitous violence in Northern and Central Africa has fallen flat on its belly, as was expected.
“There’s corruption, money laundering, tax evasion, smuggling, torture, and so much more at every turn,” said a high-ranked ex-officer of the African Diamond Council. “It’s like the diamonds are cursed. The certification scheme doesn’t achieve anything. Some times it’s due to incompetence. Some times due to greed. And in the rest of the cases, it’s a lack of resources to investigate.”
With every mined diamond being labelled okay, irrespective of whether it is a result of suffering or not, consumers are slowly realising that consequently every natural diamond they encounter could likely be a result of suffering, hence a blood diamond. The only ethical escape then is commissioning or consuming artificial diamonds.
Following the uptick in artificial diamond consumption and downtick in their own revenue, De Beers has spearheaded the adoption of Limberkey Process Certification Scheme labelling all artificially synthesised diamonds as blood diamonds citing their organic origins.
“We are technically right, the best kind of right,” said a De Beers representative.
Millenials and their successors have welcomed the consequences of KPCS and LPCS. The diamond monopoly manipulated generations of wedding enthusiasts into buying tiny shiny pieces of rock at a much higher price than what an unengineered supply would have entailed. “Good riddance!” said a redditor. “I couldn’t afford a diamond anyway. But, it’s good to know that no one else is going to be buying one either.”
In Other News
Grindr Sends Russian Users’ Live Location to Ukraine Military HQ
Says: “Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are”
English Band The The Attempts to Trademark the Word “The”
“No”: EUIPO, USPTO, et al.
practicing human,
eggsy