Oom (THG #17 of 20)
~A Jersey cow after Ghar Vapsi, probably
Dear reader:
Welcome to another issue of the Hindustan Grimes, a newsletter where we write the news and we write the letter. Do take us literally, at your own risk.
This week, we reveal the masterstroke behind the Kumbh Mela and the subsequent COVID spike. We then bring you the results of a bombshell genetics study, that could change the way we look at cows once and for all. We also talk about an interesting innovation in retail.
Yours vertically,
momo & eggsy
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PM Modi claims Kumbh Mela was a Secret Masterstroke
IITs demand expedited vaccines for students. Get rejected summarily. IIT Gandhinagar vaccinates students anyway.
Siliguri, April 2021: At a campaign rally for the ongoing West Bengal Legislative Assembly election, speaking in his classic campaign rhetoric, Prime Minister Narendra Modi said, "all the large gatherings at the Kumbh Mela were not only planned, but also organised in such a way as to maximize herd immunity. Not only that, even the large gatherings at our campaign rallies in the state have been scientifically organised."
The Prime Minister is believed to have grown weary of the Principal Scientific Adviser's principles and advice, and is therefore heeding to other sources unknown to the public. The Prime Minister's Office has said, "Oh yeah, we made many mistakes. We gave vaccines to retirees sitting at home instead of poor daily wagers who're dying due to the curfews and lockdowns. Our website doesn't work properly and cannot handle lakhs of people logging on at once. But, this. This is not a mistake."
While under fire for vaccine shortages, the government has decided to fast track approvals for COVID-19 vaccines that have been granted emergency use authorisation by foreign drug regulators. "Baba Ramdev asked me to push his vaccine through, but I said no," said PM Modi. "I still believe in our CDSCO^ and NEGVAC^."
The opposition claims that this is an old habit of Mr. Modi. "He takes a bad situation and acts like it was a brilliant plan all along. He'll just come out, look at an enormous disaster, and say it is all alright with a straight face. He's just faking it," said INC spokesperson, Abhishek Singhvi, and grumbled, "and somehow making it."
Prime Minister Modi has been known to sometimes fudge the truth and other times butcher it completely. For example, he claimed that the export of honey had doubled in 2018 while it had only increased 17% year-on-year.
With the Prime Minister lying left and right, it makes one wonder if the 2016 demonetization really happened or not. (It definitely did.)
^CDSCO = Cetral Drugs Standard Control Organization, NEGVAC = National Expert Group on Vaccine Administration for COVID-19
Genetic study does a U turn, confirms sanghi theories about indigenous cows
Indian Cows have no Aryan Blood, Aryan Migration theory allegedly debunked
Panchayanpur, April 2021: Researchers at the Patanjali Research Institute (PRI) found that Indian cows had genes that helped them produce more milk, and the milk produced by the breeds was healthier and richer in calcium than their foreign counterparts. The research was published on biorxiv (pronounced bio-archive), and is yet to be peer reviewed. However, the research has gone viral on Twitter and has become the subject of many WhatsApp forwards.
The paper also found, among other things, that the milk produced by Indian cows had surprising curative properties, and that all Indian cows resisted inbreeding depression, a genetic condition which reduces the fitness of populations due to excessive inbreeding. "Indian Cows' DNA mutates at a greater rate than all other living creatures. It's part of a divine plan. This allows it to avoid any inbreeding depression caused by mating within the family," the research group said in a statement.
The bombshell study was published by Dr. Dahine Pankh Swami, a senior researcher at the PRI and a card carrying member of the RSS. Dr. Swami got his Ph.D from the Patanjali Institute of Technology (PIT)'s BioAyurveda department. He now specialises in Indian Cow Studies, a field he says is taking off across the world, especially at NASA. "NASA understands the value of Indian Cow Studies. It's more important than all this Marxism and Economics bullshit. Indian Cows are the solution to many problems facing us today, from viral epidemics to global warming."
He also went on to outline reasons for an apparent decline in milk quality. "The purity of the Indian Cow's DNA has been ruined by Jersey Cows, which have tainted the DNA once and for all. It will take millennia for Indian Cows to recover. This is yet another example of the long lasting impact of Imperialism."
Following the statement, the hashtag #BoycottNewJersey started trending on Twitter, and US Senator for New Jersey Cory Booker had to put out a statement alleviating these concerns. "New Jersey is not responsible for messing with Indian cows, of this, I am sure. We love Indians, and we welcome all of them to our state with open arms," he tweeted.
Later on, senior researchers at the CCMB^ and the IBAB^ dismissed the study. One professor, on the condition of anonymity, said that the paper had actually been rejected 5 times by peer reviewers, and that was why they were resorting to publicising it from the pre-print server itself. "The paper is stupid. I don't know what else you want me to say. There's no science at all for me to critique."
When the controversy surrounding the rejection of the paper was brought up, Dr. Swami rejected those claims at once. "This is all a plan by the white people to steal our cows and subsequently our secrets. They already used Verghese Kurien to spoil all our cows, now they want to profit from it." He also said that the PRI would be creating their own journal, titled "Annals of Cow Eugenics", to publish the paper. "Cows are better than humans genetically and in every way possible. It's time we acknowledged that."
"Cows are better than some humans. Of that, I have no doubt," responded the senior professor at the IBAB.
^CCMB = Centre for Cellular and Molecular Biology, Hyderabad, IBAB = Institute of Bioinformatics and Applied Biotechnology, Bengaluru
Walmart procures AI-powered headphones that turns all speech polite
IBM Watson declares AI not a bubble
Silicon Valley, April 2021: Simons Say Please Inc., one of thousands in the new AI-powered start-up scene, has launched their first product, the BoomerRemover. BoomerRemover is an AI-powered wireless pair of headphones that modifies the voices the wearer hears^ to make it polite. The speaker's voice's texture, pronunciation, accent, and other identifying qualities remain the same, but the tone of voice used is converted to a polite one.
"No, it won't seem like you are always speaking to Siri or Alexa. It's not monotonous that way," said Mr. Tim Simon, CTO of Simons Say Please. "It's like a person standing in front of you and shouting 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CHEESE ON THIS!', but all you hear is 'Can you please add a bit more cheese on this?' in their own calm voice."
"This is going to revolutionize the service industry," said Mr. Tom Simon, CEO of Simons Say Please. "Walmart has seen the potential in BoomerRemover and bought out the first lot. This is sure to reduce their store employees' stress levels immediately."
Boomers For Fairness (BFF(s)), a support group for hassled and baffled boomers, has warned Walmart of protests in front of their stores. BFFs believe that the "AI" headphones are powered by 5G and that they cause imbalances in their body's energy and lead to spread of infectious diseases. "Bringing out such things in the middle of a pandemic is just plain insensitive," said a mask-on-the-chin BFF, Karen Wachowski.
Several questions have been raised about Walmart procuring BoomerRemovers, primary of which is "Why?" Walmart Press Secretary, Ms. Pavitra Suman, said in an interview, "we care about our employees. It is better to give them the protection of BoomerRemover than to risk them ending up with PTSD due to the savage customers. Working at the frontline entails a lot of pressure and stress, especially when the customers are rude and refuse to obey guidelines."
Meanwhile, Walmart's long time management consultants, McKinsey & Co., ceased services for the retail corporation. "They decided that procuring $400 headphones for everyone is cheaper than paying for their therapy. But, do you know what is even cheaper than that? Not paying for therapy at all. You just hire new minimum wagers to replace the weak ones," said a McKinsey associate formerly consulting the retailer who wished to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons.
Ms. Casandra Wong, a Walmart store employee at the Fresno facililty said, "before, I used to hate going to work. But now, with these headphones, I feel good. It really feels like the company cares about us. Now, if only they could pay us slightly more than minimum wage so I can afford to buy my dog some treats."
^Not applicable to internal monologues and ghostly heart-to-hearts
The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week
Genetics: Science certain people use to explain their prejudiced beliefs away. Commonly confused with xenophobia.
Xenophobia: When your body rejects a xenograft from a person of a different community. Commonly confused with racism.
Racism: When you refuse a hip transplant from a white person because you still have hopes of making it in Dance India Dance. Commonly confused with avoiding cultural appropriation.
Jai Shri Krishna,
momo & eggsy