Outrage is all the rage (THG #10 of 20)

A "Camouflage Incomplete" sign always appears true.

Mar 05, 2021

Dear reader:

Welcome to another issue of The Hindustan Grimes, where news reports of sides with greener grass are questioned about possible fungal infections.

After suggestions from multiple friends, we are now on Instagram. Follow our page at @grimeswastaken2. When you figure out what the funda behind the handle is, breathe once heavily out of your nose in acknowledgement.

This issue we bring to you some technological advancements, some outrage, and a little bit of mockery.^ Have fun reading.

Yours serenely,

momo & eggsy

^Disclaimer: Multiple persons and entities are mocked in the making of our issues. Grow a skin.

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McDonald's Burger Flippers to Work from Home

Mint workers request to make money at home

Navi Mumbai, March 2021: McDonald's India has struck an unusual tripartite collaboration with Reliance Jio and Vaastav: The Virtual Pvt. Ltd. in order to allow some of their kitchen employees to work from home. State-of-the-art Virtual Reality and Robotics technology will be used to enable the cooks to control the robots in the kitchen from the comfort of their homes.

"In order for the technology to work, we need humongous internet bandwidths both at our outlets and the employees' homes," said Mr. Raj "Burger Raja" Bargu, CEO of McDonald's India. "We approached Jio for the internet, but they offered to be a collaborator for free publicity instead of a vendor." Rumours have sprung up that Jio is in talks to acquire Vastav: The Virtual Pvt. Ltd.

McDonald's move to virtual comes at the wake of a spring of new COVID19 cases in Maharashtra, which news outlets have dubbed the Second Wave. Maharashtra's State Task Force and the State Surveillance Officer, Dr. Satish Power have said: "No." Dr. Power added, "This is not the second wave. That happened during Ganesh Chaturthi. We're likely in the fourth wave now."

This also caused a bout of frenzy on Dalal Street. Stock prices of Swiggy and Zomato dropped immediately after news of the Virtual Move spread. After a few hours of heated discussions and explanations of the new technology, the market breathed a sigh of relief. Swiggy and Zomato stock prices have slowly returned to pre-frenzy levels.

The first phase of the virtual trials are set to begin next Monday in 5 outlets in Navi Mumbai. "We have already trained over 30 cooks," said Burger Raja. "It is really simple to operate. It's just like playing 'Papa's Burgeria'."

News of the now dubbed "Virtual Burgers" has spread through Navi Mumbai. Navi Mumbaikars appear excited about something new coming in their city. But experts refrain from optimism. "This might have the opposite effect," says, Dr. Sonu Sodabottleopenerwala, popular food enthusiast and blogger. "People will flock there and COVID19 spread will only increase."

Technology enthusiasts have also hurrahed at the move. Healthy eating advocates though have had mixed reactions. "We want to see the machines rise," said Mr. Goli Pav, a former foodie, "but no sugar please."

Protestors fight systemic corporate discrimination outside cafe

WandaVision star Vision says brain trauma not a joke

Mumbai, March 2021: Karuna Bhavani, a resident of Mumbai, has been protesting against Moonshot Cafe, a renown international cafe chain, for serving all their beverages in right handed cups. She gathered a group of her right-handed friends, and they sat outside the cafe for 4 hours straight, demanding mugs with the opposite orientation. They have been repeating the same over the last one week. Towards the end of the week, the cafe chain's COO confirmed that they were working on acquiring new mugs, but the protestors hadn't backed down.

"Left handed people have faced systemic discrimination from society and the government. Everything from elevators, staircases and scissors have been designed by and for right handed people. This is a systematic erasure and we will not stop protesting until these injustices are corrected," said Ms. Karuna. "This issue has irked me for so long but I have always waited for society to self-correct. Not anymore."

After the ruckus caused, #Karuna and #IndianKaren trended on Twitter in India at #2 and #3 respectively. Dr. Hastha Disha, a post doc at the Indian Research Institute, came out in support of Ms. Karuna. "I have studied hand-orientation for most of my career. It is true that left-handed people are discriminated against, and have a life-expectancy 9 years lesser than right handed people. I imagine that using tools like scissors and knives, which are designed for right handed people, increases their risk of accident. They are also more likely to be neuroatypical, and left-handed women have a higher risk of breast cancer."

Stand Up Comedian Baithiye Hasan, however, said that the protest was nothing more than a movement to distract from real issues. "We have created a culture that rewards victimisation. This is the latest non-issue to become an issue over the last few years." This led to a tumultuous exchange between Hasan and an attendee at his comedy show, which evolved into a name calling session. After the unnamed heckler threw a shoe at him, Hasan retaliated by throwing the wireless microphone at the audience, which ended up hitting a bystander in the head. The bystander was hospitalised for a TBC (Traumatic Brain Concussion), and Hasan has been temporarily suspended by the Indian Comedian Association, pending an internal investigation.

"I understand that I should not have lost my temper," said Hasan. "But saying what I think should not warrant a shoe being thrown at my head." The heckler, who identified himself to us, but wished to remain anonymous, had this to say, "They throw mics at us and expect us to listen to them. They cry about victim culture, but this is their response towards constructive criticism," they said. When we pressed the heckler on the fact that he was the one who threw the shoe first, he deflected and subsequently hung up on us. Meanwhile, the Mumbai protest against discrimination towards left handed people continues. Right or not, their end goal remains unknown.

Popular Celebrity Loses Battle Against Weakened Vision

Rumours of Actress Sudarshini's stolen bookmark debunked by fact checkers who revealed she cannot read.

Bollywood, March 2021: In a bizarre turn of events, popular Bollywood actor, Muscle "Severe Body Image" Khan, has been reported to have lost his glasses. Reports also suggest he tried looking, but couldn't see. The glasses were a top of the line product of High Costoso brand in Merengue Yellow shade with a Stannic finish.

Muscle Khan was observed struggling to perform his day-to-day activities like body building et cetera without his High Costoso glasses. He took to instagram to confide in his followers about the struggles a celebrity faces on a daily basis. Social media was abuzz with tales of celebrity struggles.

Twitterati all over the country have sympathised with Mr. Khan's plight. A GoFundMe for Mr. Khan's glasses has collected over 15 Rupees. Additionally, a petition to have all glasses mandatorily contain a GPS tracker has garnered over 34 signatures on change.org.

An hour later, a new pair of High Costoso glasses was delivered to his residence in Dharavi.

P.S. The pandemic has celebrity culture imploding so badly, celebrities are paying us to keep them in the news cycle and have them remain relevant. This is a sponsored article.

This article originally appeared in The Hindustan Times.

The Grimes’ Definition of The Week

Public-Private Partnership: When you bake the cake for everyone and you ask someone for help to carry it over to the dinner table, but they take all the credit for making the cake and don't even let you eat it. Commonly confused with group projects.

Vanakkam,