All the King's Oxygen & All the King's Drugs (THG #18 of 20)
Couldn't put India together again.
Dear reader:
Welcome to Issue 18 of The Hindustan Grimes, where we can only hope to be a fake-news super-spreader. We ain't got nothing on the IT Cell, those folks are organised and dedicated.
We're coming up on the end of the season in two weeks' time. We hope you're having fun. Also, it is about the right time to tell us if you'd like to continue reading the newsletters after the two weeks.
In this issue, we talk about COVID-19 and how tough it is on everyone. A meek man once thought, "Toughness is a state of mind." We, indeed, believe toughness is a choice and setting easier targets is always a better choice. Cheers!
Yours disorganisedly,
momo & eggsy
If a friend sent this to you and you'd like to subscribe, click here. If you'd like to share this issue with a friend, either forward the email, or use the link above to share it.
Govt. says war on COVID too hard. Will target Vertigo instead.
#Disease?Vertigo trends #1 Twitter
New Delhi, April 2021: In a surprising press conference, Union Health Minister Dr. Harsh Vardhan declared that the war on COVID19 was too hard and that it was futile. They have decided to regroup and convalesce and then wage war on vertigo instead. "We don't think we'll win. We're just losing too many of our people," said the Minister for Health. "So, we decided to get back to the drawing board and set new targets. There's no point crying over unassailable targets."
"We've talked to the WHO and all the major foreign health departments. They're all on board," said Minister of State for Health, Mr. Ashwini Kumar Choubey. "We've organised the forces—health workers, doctors, slogan writers, and social media experts. Everything's set. We'll completely annihilate vertigo."
Twitterati were concerned how WHO or any other organisation was behind this, but their concerns were soon alleviated. It has come to fore that China is busy with the business in the South China Sea and has loosened the grip on WHO. Also, the whole idea of shifting targets is believed to have come from the US Dept. of Biological Warfare Director and Vietnam War Veteran, General J. Rambo. Gen. Rambo is said to have convinced the international intelligence communities to convince the health departments that this is the best choice.
Upon being asked about why vertigo was being set as the new target, Dr. Vardhan said, "It's very simple really. The previous management, us mostly, set unachievable targets and that has brought down the morale of the team very very down (sic). We feel like setting this small target will help raise the morale again."
"Then again, Vertigo, simple as it is," he continued, "hasn't been worked on by enough smart minds, because, well, they've never been needed to. But now, we can beat it and take the moral win. We'll all go home after and have some real cause for cheer. Anyway, we've given it a few decades' head start. Now, we'll just knock on its door, and when it opens the door, carpet-bomb it thoroughly."
When we asked what would happen if the coronavirus mutates and makes people get vertigo, the Dr. Vardhan was visibly flummoxed. After a few quick words with his team, the minister appeared dismayed and said softly, "oh no. It will do that, won't it?"
No word since has been heard from the Health Ministry, but another change of target is expected by Monday.
Popular Feminist Spokesperson, May May, Releases New Book on Objectification of Women
Objectification and Objectophilia offends the objectifiers, the objectified, and the objectophiliacs alike.
Bangalore, April 2021: Dr. May May, during a special session of the Bangalore Literature Festival, was thrown a Mochi size 6 casual khaki loafer at when she mentioned that "while objectophiliacs are mentally deranged, their derangement is not a feminist issue." Critics have called her a hypocrite and a self-involved snob for publishing a whole book about the "non-issue".
Dr. May defines objectophilia as a sexual and/or romantic attraction toward inanimate objects and objectification as degrading someone to the status of a mere object. "You can see where some people get confused," says Dr. May. "Objectophiliacs and women objectifiers have different kinds of illnesses."
If he has a thing for her, fine.
If he has a thing for it, trouble.
If she is the thing, call the police and/or twitter-police.
Mr. Nariman "Nari" Dealer took offence on behalf of all women in the country and called for a twitter ban on Dr. May going against feminism. Nari Dealer questioned Dr. May's loyalty to feminism. He tweeted, "Women objectification is no joke. Dr. May is a thing of the past. She's wrong. #cancelmaymay"
Popular objectophiliac and part-time general scholar on the prime time television news circuit, Ms. Samanpreet Kaur defended people of her affliction with an online statement: "... before, it was all men are equal. Now, we have changed the paradigm to all humans are equal. We just want to nudge the public narrative a bit further. Everything is equal."
Objectophiliacs Anonymous took out a walking march in front of the Lit Fest's premises on the morning after the special session with Dr. May. They demonstrated the truth of their love by carrying their object loves in the march. While the people of small affinities carried their wares at the front of the march, others with more elaborate lovers like refrigerators and washing machines had to be offered gatorades and physical help to cross the slightly slopy parking lot.
Some unfortunate objectophiliacs who were married to buildings like the Eiffel tower were unable to obtain permissions to bring their lovers on the Inner Ring Road and hence had to participate with life-sized cut-outs. "God created humans. Humans created buildings. Call me a stickler for the transitive property, but I can only love things if I know where they came from," said an Eiffel tower lover.
NRA launches Army 2.0 in the US
Colbert tweets: "This is the start of Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo."
Fairfax, April 2021: After growing dissatisfaction in the Biden administration from far-right republicans, the National Rifle Association (NRA) had decided to launch NARMY, or Army 2.0, to compete with the US military. This is despite the fact that US foreign policy remains hawkish as ever. The NRA cited many statistics that justified the move, including the fact that America has 120.5 guns per 100, which would help them while building the army.
The NRA seeks to build up an army that can operate at the scale of the US military, but funded by their wealthiest donors and their members. "Once we get our funding high enough, enrolments should skyrocket. That's when we'll make the big bucks. Enrolment will be based on a subscription model," said Wayne LaPierre, executive VP of the NRA. Mr LaPierre is a huge fan of Silicon Valley and their subscription first business models, and revealed that he has plans to invest in the valley as well.
"As we scale up the NARMY, we'll also need intelligence. We have human spies, they're already operating worldwide. What we need is cryptographers and hackers. We need a NNSA (NRA National Security Agency). We will be buying out most of Silicon Valley to achieve this," he said. A reporter from the Chicago Grimes pointed out that the NNSA already had a full form, and was the acronym for the US National Nuclear Security Agency. Mr. LaPierre replied that the name was not yet final.
The press secretary for the US Department of Defense under the Biden administration, Ms. Stohl laughed when reporters brought up the issue. "The US Military is unparalleled. The US Air Force is the largest Air Force in the world, followed by the US Army and the US Navy. We have seals working for us. *They* have stupid reality gun shows. I gotta go attend a fundraiser with Lockheed Martin, I've got better things to do," she said.
The move to create a new private army comes in the wake of privatisation worldwide, as many corporations are trying to one-up their public sector counterparts. For example, a Brazilian company named Legal Money, Inc. launched a Ministry of Finance within its corporate structure, and has begun issuing its own legal tender that has the value equivalent to 10 Brazilian reais. Reportedly, the currency is tied to a complex formula that goes back to NFTs. However, our reporters tend to leave as soon as they hear the term NFT, and hence, the exact formulation is unknown to us.
Similarly, cow vigilantes launched their own Gay Darbar in Prayagaraj, Uttar Pradesh, to crack down on cow slaughter. Upon its initial launch on social media, queer activists thought that this was a grassroots queer movement. Their happiness was short-lived as the true purpose of the Darbar came to light. Subsequently, the Darbar has been criticised widely as a farcical attempt to distract from the government's handling of COVID. So far, the Darbar has not met official condemnation from the UP Home Ministry, with police officials refusing to investigate complaints and reports that some of the police were involved themselves. The Home Ministry was unavailable for comment as of Thursday night.
The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week
Insolvency: When you have a fancy meal at a high-end restaurant and then realize that you don't have the cash, plastic, or technology to pay for it. Commonly confused with liquidation.
Liquidation: When the waiter offers to cover your bill in exchange for your shiny new watch. Commonly confused with bankruptcy.
Bankruptcy: When the restaurant owner agrees to let go of your bill on the condition that you go to forgetfulness therapy and that you pay him if you find some money on the way back. Commonly confused with indebtedness.
Adeus,
momo & eggsy