A shot in time saves nine (THG #16 of 20)
~Epidemiologists, probably [citation needed]
Dear reader:
We are now entering the fourth and final quarter of the first season of The Hindustan Grimes, where either the news happens, or we waterboard it to make it happen. If all else fails, we drone strike it into existence.
If you've been with us so far, thank you! It's been great to write to you. The second wave of COVID cases is here, and we are here to remind you of other things during this trying time.
This week, we bring you an exclusive expose on the state of India's intelligence community. We also talk about some approvals made by India's censor board, and the lasting impact of Make In India.
Also, remember that story about the Uttarakhand Mata Rekha Arya from last week? Everything about her in the story is true, genuinely.
Yours stealthily,
momo & eggsy
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Censor Board and RSS Approve Indigenous Superhero for the Indian Audience
Anurag Kashyap removed from project after first draft of script leaks
Prayagraj, April 2021: In a press release at the Kumbh Mela event yesterday, producer and writer, Mr. Vikram Betal, announced the making of a new blockbuster movie building the origin of HanuMan and his adventurous attempt at saving Ayodhya from ruin. The live action movies are set in modern day Ayodhya with futuristic technology and ancient wisdom. The superhero based on the mythological character of the same name will be the star in a movie trilogy (to be released in Hindi as well as 8 other regional languages) and an animated television series for kids. A short teaser was also unveiled at the press meet.
"Hanuman is a character epitomising strength (physical and of-character), morals, and devotion to a cause. He works tirelessly toward protecting all that he believes sacred," says Mr. Valmiki, co-writer of the movie. "There have been many screen adaptations of Hanuman's story but they all tell the same stories in the same millennia old setting. We are expending the creative effort of setting Hanuman in the 21st century."
The pre-production for the first movie has completed and production has just begun. It is set to introduce the ancient secret society of Hanumen and their current leader, the Hanuman. "This is a classic origin story movie that establishes who our protagonist is and how he is struggling with his devotion to saving humans and saving morals," said Mr. Valmiki. "The Ministry of Propaganda approached us last week and asked if we could set the premise as, 'Hanuman can save only one at a time, but you, mortal human, can follow safety guidelines and save hundreds.' We've not decided what to do. An apprentice of mine came up with the idea of making an Animatrix-esque short film. So maybe we'll do that."
Film critics have already show appreciation for the teaser and in the short teaser of the movie, we see the titular character, Shiv Kumar, turn into Hanuman by ripping the skin flap on his chest open and chanting "Jai Shri Ram". The writers revealed that they initially considered the transformation act too gory and wanted Shiv to beat his chest with his fists instead. But further discussions established this too close to Tarzan for comfort and the peoples' self-deprecating humour.
American and Japanese superheroes begin their stories in comic books and then they are adapted for motion picture. When asked about this, producer Mr. Betal said, "No, we're not doing comic books. One, people don't read comic books. Two, people don't buy comic books. Three, people can't afford comic books, at least the people who we think will be interested in our comic books. Anyway, we have ancient stories of the Hanuman in spoken and written word. I don't think making a graphic novel first is necessary."
The Hanuman Trilogy is expected to hit theatres over the next three years and is also expected to boggle the minds of both critics and audiences. There are plans to introduce side-kicks like Jatayu, Angad, and Sugreev; whether they will be included in the trilogy itself or be part of a more expansive superhero universe is not known at the moment. Talks of a spin-off animated television show titled Adolescent Avatars Go!, consisting of avatars of Vishnu and Shiva, have also surfaced.
Indigenous creativity appears to be approaching every screen near you soon, but it might be a bit too early to tell you that you wouldn't be in the wrong to have high hopes, this time.
IITM Dean Promotes Grammarly. 'Make In India' Dept. Demands Probe.
Grammarly to bring Grammar Nazism to Hindi, Kannada, Tamil soon
Chennai, April 2021: After yet another exasperating farrago of demonstrably incoherent emails hit Indian Institute of Technology Madras' Dean of Academic Courses this mid-semester, the dean broke. In an institute-wide announcement, the dean said, "I am fed up of all of you, students, faculty, and staff. Grasping enough knowledge of the English language to write a concise univocal email is a basic requirement. Get good. Please."
The dean claims that since his appointment to the post three months ago, he has had to discontinue his research activities indefinitely due to the overwhelming administrative work. He is also believed to have started medications for hypertension last month. "It is a very tense and belabouring position. It is only aggravated by the incomprehensible emails that we receive every day," said the new secretary to the dean over an email exchange.
The institute-wide announcement also contained the dean's plea for all members of the institute to download Grammarly extensions onto their web browsers and Grammarly Keyboard onto their mobile devices. In a leaked confidential email to the teaching staff, the dean is said to have asked them to promote Grammarly usage in their classwork and assignments/reports.
Following instructions, a chemistry department professor asked students in his data structures class to use Grammarly via a detailed post on the class' Moodle forum. The forum post was deleted an hour later after 42 of his 44 students replied to the message with "no u". In a more recent email in the confidential thread, the dean has emphasised on the professors using Grammarly first.
The dean is also in talks with the Assistant Registrar in charge of tenders and procurement for buying institute-wide premium memberships, for students, faculty, and staff. The transaction may cost the institute an additional two crore rupees in spending every year. Additional Secretaries in the Ministry of Education are peeved and have sent a strongly worded letter to the institute administration.
In an interview with T5E, the institute's student media body, the students' general secretary asked: "Is he even allowed to promote private companies and products? Aren't all govt. officials banned from doing that?" The T5E correspondent reportedly retorted with "maybe you should cut back on watching all that American television."
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Commerce's Make in India department is promoting young Indian entrepreneurs to come up with indigenous solutions to the (un)grammatical problems. Entrepreneurs have been asked not to worry about issues such as intellectual property rights.
Leaked report exposes & criticises RAW's Pigeon Intelligence (PIGINT) Program
Sparrows and Crows attempt to unionise, file anti-competition suit with CCI
New Delhi, April 2021: The Hindustan Grimes has obtained an exclusive leaked report that details the story of Indian Intelligence community's PIGINT program, short for Pigeon Intelligence. The report was filed by a secret 3 person committee of retired high court judges constituted by the Prime Minister's office. The purpose of the committee was to examine RAW's PIGINT program and make a recommendation on whether the program must be continued or not.
The report starts by detailing the history and the organisational structure of the division. RAW has, operating under it, 4 divisions of Pigeon Intelligence, PIs 3 through 6. Pigeon Intelligence 1 (PI1) and PI2 are now defunct.
PI1 was initially founded as IPF, short for Impossible Pigeon Force, by the Nehru administration. IPF was in-charge of many operations in early independent India, including influencing the accession of Sikkim to India. The agency was later re-christened PI1 and was tasked with dealing with threats that were deemed idealogical and secessionist in nature, including the Tamil Nadu Secessionist Movements and the rise of the Communist Party of India in Kerala. Pigeons were used, for example, to communicate with covert spies in the CPI politburo, and to ensure the CIA did not attempt to gain a stronghold in the state. PI2 was constituted to deal with threats of a foreign nature, such as the Sino-Indian war and the incidents that preceded it. At this time, the Intelligence Bureau was solely responsible for dealing with Pakistani threats, and pigeon intelligence was not taken seriously by the Indian IC (Intelligence Community).
All that would change in 1963, when PM Nehru asked the IB chief to constitute a third independent division of Pigeon Intelligence, PI3, to deal with West Asian threats. PI3 was allocated a huge and yet-to-be-declassified budget in 1964, with a large recruitment drive for pigeons and pigeon trainers across India. The report also details the racism faced by citizens of north-eastern states during this recruitment drive, as many were pigeon trainers were not allowed into the agency due to Sino-India tensions, but their trained pigeons were forcibly taken by the government for reorientation.
PI4 and PI5 were formed by Indira Gandhi, the former to gather intelligence on nuclear programs across the world, and the latter to aid domestic intelligence gathering and squash dissent during the Emergency. The most radical and lasting restructuring of the Pigeon Intelligence Community would, however, come during the tenure of PM VP Singh.
VP Singh created PI6, an agency with the sole purpose of overseeing the other members of the PIC. The rest of the community was restructured and functions were reassigned. PI1 and PI2, which were largely defunct, were dissolved with all salvageable resources transferred to the other agencies. PI3 was tasked with dealing with border threats and espionage, and PI4 with other foreign threats. PI5 was tasked with domestic intelligence.
The report then goes on to criticise India's HUMINT (Human Intelligence) and SIGINT (Signals Intelligence), particularly over the past 20 years. Citing, among others, the doorbell incidents, the report criticised the Intelligence Community and refers to the PIGINT program as 'India's last hope of a competent intelligence community in the 21st century', calling back to Kautilya's Arthashastra and the importance given to intelligence and espionage in ancient Indian kingdoms. The report then goes on to detail a large number of flaws in modern India's modern PIGINT program.
Due to lack of a properly structured training program, some pigeon's don't complete the minimum Basic Training as mandated by Pigeon Trainers Guild of India (PGI). They make up for it in skill, but there have been some gaffes. For instance, a pigeon once when to Allahabad instead of Islamabad as it had not recognised the auditory command well. In another instance, a pigeon landed in Nepal while flying back from China, met a mate there, and stayed there for almost 5 months with crucial national security information in a microdot attached to its neck. The pigeon was finally noticed by a cultural attaché who was former Pigeon Intelligence, and he was able to alert PI5 to the pigeon's presence.
The report also points out the declining number of fresh pigeon recruitments over the past 25 years, citing global warming as the primary reason. The PI6 even attempted a pilot program in the early days of the Manmohan Singh administration, known as Sparrow Intelligence (SPAINT for short). Sparrows were thought to be easier to train, and smaller and hence less noticeable. This was quickly abandoned as sparrows refused to fly in urban areas due to the rising number of cell phone towers.
The final and most glaring problem faced by the PIGINT program, the report claims, is a steep decrease in funding. The increasing number of pigeon gaffes, combined with pressure to compete with the likes of Mossad, Russian Intelligence, and the CIA have caused RAW officials to focus their resources on Signals Intelligence. The number of pigeon 'Basic Training' centres has been the same since 2011, and their trainers have seen very minuscule salary increases since 2008.
PIGINT has been a focal point of the Indian Intelligence Community since its inception. India must honour her brave winged spies of the past by ensuring that the PIC stays alive, so it may help propel her to be a better world leader and trend setter in the 21st century.
The Grimes’ Definitions of The Week
Subverting Authority: When you submit a handwritten report to avoid scrutinisation on turnitin.com. Commonly confused with It ain't much but it's honest work.
Honest work: When you work for a spy agency but you don't like keeping secrets so you leak 'em all. Commonly confused with whistleblowing.
Whistleblowing: When you tell your teacher about the WhatsApp group your classmates created to pass answers during an online test. Commonly confused with coping with FOMO.
Coo Coo! (This message has been encrypted by the PI6)
momo & eggsy