Private Cash Reporting For Duty, Sir! (THG #9 of 20)
You might learn, we definitely earn. ~BYJU's, probably
Dear reader:
Welcome to another issue of The Hindustan Grimes, where we bring you news so fresh some of it hasn't even occurred yet.
Remember the issue where we talked about a second demonetization and less cash? Apparently, the PMO has also been reading our newsletters and making subtle references to them in the PM's speeches. Check this out.
"In a short period of time, we have shifted from being cash economy to less cash economy." ~ Narendra Modi, Prime Minister, Republic of India
This week, we bring you a couple of stories about BYJU's, a name so powerful, merely uttering it has gotten entire YouTube channels censored and Twitter accounts blocked. We'll say no more, read on!
Yours privately,
momo & eggsy
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BYJU's acquiring IITs as privatisation sweeps Ministry of Education
Hogwarts resists viral privatisation trend; Beauxbatons folds
New Delhi, February 2021: The EdTech company BYJU's is eyeing top IITs for acquisition after a new wave of privatisation swept the Ministry of Education last Wednesday. The ministry put out a statement through the PIB on Friday, and confirmed that they were in talks with BYJU's regarding the acquisition of IITs. "We believe that there are structural issues with the government running these IITs. That is why they have not risen to the top of worldwide ranking. Privatisation will be the silver bullet for Indian universities going from top 200 to top 10."
BYJU's, the controversial ed tech startup, is valued at over 11.1 billion USD, and top executives were seen entering the MoE for acquisition talks this Wednesday, returning for further talks on Friday. In a separate statement on Thursday evening, BYJU's Chief Acquisition Officer Mr. Saphed Topi confirmed that IIT Bombay, Madras, and Delhi were on the table in these negotiations. "We are strongly eyeing Madras and Bombay. Madras has been doing well on these rankings lately, if we acquire it now, we can take credit for its growth. That's our sweet spot, it's how we vet our acquisitions," said Mr. Topi. "It should take us less than 3-4 months to finalise these talks. We will acquire them before the next academic year begins. Acquiring these IITs gives us vertical integration, as the best BYJU's students stay within the BYJU's community. It's a win-win."
When asked about what plans they had for the IITs, he first stated that they would make things more interesting. "From our understanding, IITs have very vanilla exam systems. We'll make it interesting, introduce competitive exams for all courses, and award cash prizes to all centum students," said Mr. Topi. "We will obviously revamp the entrance exam, introducing our own considerably superior exams, making JEE obsolete. We will also be renaming many of the departments, 'Department of Computer Science' is such a boring name. For instance, the top contender for the new name of the IITB CS department is WhiteHat, Sr." He also stated that following the planned acquisition of the Indian Administrative Services, BYJU's IAS would come exclusively to IIT Bombay and Madras for campus placements.
The Association of Directors of IITs (ADI) came out in support of the move, with IIT Tirupati Director Parvatam Nayakudu refusing to sign the statement and dissenting from the association, calling it a bone-headed move. "I refuse to get bullied into agreeing to this regressive plan. This is bone headed, and will not improve our ranking. Our funding will drop, as will our research output," she said. When asked about this comment at the press conference, Mr. Topi stated," I don't think she, specifically, has anything to worry about. It's cute that she thinks so."
In the meantime, FIITJEE confirmed that they have scheduled talks with the MoE regarding IIT Delhi for early next week. "We had put our logo up near the IITD metro station, and we were asked to remove it by the HC. We will restore it as soon as the acquisition is complete."
BYJU's eyeing IAS acquisition after taking over IAS lateral entry cadre training
BYJUs: The Earning App, now rated at 4.20 stars on Google Play
New Delhi, February 2021: Due to a large number of vacancies in the bureaucracy, the government has been utilising lateral entry to improve the strength of the Indian Administrative Service Cadre. This method of recruitment has been controversial and has received criticism from many individuals and organisations. There have also been several reports of existing IAS officers not cooperating with the officers who joined the service through lateral entry.
In response, however, the government has doubled down on reforming their recruitment methods. Ms. Paarshvi Pravishti, the incumbent UPSC Chairwoman, confirmed that the UPSC was privatising parts of the training process, with lateral entry officers being trained at BYJU's rather than at the govt. run LBSNAA. However, so far, the UPSC has remained in charge of recruitment. Reportedly, BYJU's proactively lobbied the UPSC to privatise training, and they were subsequently granted a contract to train the officers. They are now lobbying to conduct recruitment as well.
Mr. Saphed Topi, the Chief Acquisition Officer of BYJU's, was questioned on the move. "There is excessive corruption and bureaucracy in the existing system. We can do it much more efficiently for a much lower price. Over time, we hope to acquire the service itself, so all employees of the government will simply be contractors for BYJU's. The Indian Police Service is next on our radar." Mr. Topi further confirmed that BYJU's would work to establish vertical integration between the IITs they are working to acquire, the IIMs they are planning to acquire, and the IAS and IPS services they are hoping to acquire.
At the same time, a suspiciously large swath of 6-14 year olds took to Twitter to support the move, and #IASGoPrivate was trending #3 on Twitter. Wolf Gupta, @wolfgupta, tweeted "BYJU's is my choice to join the IAS. I will leave my 5 crore job at Google to serve the nation if this happens. #IASGoPrivate". The trend took off across the world after some of their tweets were liked by paedophile name-caller and electric battery enthusiast Elon Musk. "I support #IASGoPrivate. It's dank." he tweeted.
"Depressed? We have the solution" Says Govt.
Hotel? Trivago^
Prayagraj, February 2021: With the rise in awareness about mental health, depression, and suicides, the central government has been under fire for not acknowledging the harsh reality and ignoring the plight of the mentally ill. Keyboard warriors have taken to twitter to talk about how depression is eating them up. After weeks of silence, the government has spoken.
The Central Government advises youth to sleep on time, wake up at sunrise, and perform Surya Namaskar. They say that this is the Ram Baan or Panacea (for English readers) or Cure-all (for less educated English readers) for depression.
"All this hullabaloo about psychiatry and western medicine is fake news spread by the opposition. It is not real," propounds AJP spokesperson, Ram Mandirwale. "If kids just wake up early, perform yoga, and join their local AJP IT Cell WhatsApp group, everything will be good."
This advisory comes in the wake of the backlash faced by the Prime Minister's Office for their recent tweet about depression. The tweet, dated February 14, read: "Say No to Depression. If your friends offer you a bandwagon seat onto depression, just say no. #NoFOMO #NoFad #NoDepression #JustSayNo" Thousands of what can only be categorised as the depressed youth demographic tweeted back: "no u."
"Depression is as stupid as lactose intolerance. Just tolerate it." says chief advisor to the AYUSH minister. He adds, "Depression is just a state of mind. But the Minister really believes in what people send him on WhatsApp. So we humour him."
Popular pseudoscience proponent and part-time Member of Paliament, Smt. Sthan Dharak Ji has obtained records from the parliament's in house therapist. Speaking at a press release, she eviscerated Opposition Deputy Chief for being weak and the Home Minister's deputy for faking depression. Smt. Sthan Dharak Ji and the therapist in question are under investigation for breaking therapist-patient privilege.
^Unpaid Promo
The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week
Capitalism: When you place the cake at one end of the dining table and expect the people near it to pass it around out of good-will.
Communism: When you place the cake in the middle of the dining table and expect everyone to figure out how to behave and distribute out of good-will.
Privatisation: When the people you choose to look after the cake give it someone at the end of the table coz they said they'll double the cake in 25 days with half the ingredients and no cooks.
Miochay,
momo & eggsy
My personal dictionary seems to have your definition of 'communism' under 'socialism'.
My entry for 'communism' reads: When one end of the table consumes the cake and produces goodwill-infused cake distribution figures.
(What an issue, momo & eggsy <3)