New Year. Old Forwards. (THG #1 of 20)
A new issue of a new season of our newsletter on the new year, featuring old forwards.
Dear reader:
Welcome to another issue of our weekly newsletter, The Hindustan Grimes, the best place to find satirical news, but the worst place to learn how to train a dragon. If you got this from a friend and want to subscribe, click here.
As you will have noticed from the title, we've decided to have twenty issues in the first season of our newsletter. Consider the first one issue #0. We might make changes through the season, but the end of the season gives us a chance to take a break, look back, and evaluate a chunk of our work critically. Of course, you could help us with your feedback anytime at thegrimes@substack.com.
This issue drops on the first morning of the new year and we take this opportunity to talk about (and by that we mean critically analyse) old WhatsApp forwards that spread faster than viruses in crowded convention centres. If you find the stories interesting and funny, spread the word among your friends.
Yours beautifully,
momo and eggsy
PS: May this be the first forward you receive this year. May you be prosperous.
Finland Public Schools introduce 'Revolution 2020'
All public middle-school kids to study assorted works by Chetan Bhagat. Germany, Switzerland to follow Finn lead
Helsinki, December 2020: Schools are arguably the most effective means of enacting the aims of integration. Passages from seminal works such as 'Five Point Someone’ and 'Two States’ have caught the imagination of the education system in Finland. Many 'sayings and teachings’ from such spiritual Indian scriptures are incorporated now in the Finland School System with the aim of making world education compulsory starting from 5th grade onward.
The move comes after the Finnish government received oodles of praise from the Indian Hindu Community for their adoption of the Bhagavad Gita into their curriculum back in 2017. In the annual report published by the Association for International Hindu Cooperation and Propagation (AIHCP) in 2019, Finland received a 74/100, or a B+, for their commitment to maintaining and spreading the ideas of Hinduism and Indian culture, the highest score for a non Indian country and a higher score than the governments of many Indian states such as Kerala and West Bengal. A source at the AIHCP has confirmed that Finland's score is set to increase in the 2020 report, placing it neck and neck with the score of the Gujarat government (88), and behind only the Uttar Pradesh government (95) and the Indian central government (92).
"Finn Indians not only tend to perform better than other minority groups in schools, they also appear to integrate at a faster rate than other 'non-Western' immigrant groups," says an unrelated Mr. Bhagat, leader of the Finn East India Company. "Partly this is because of shared characteristics with Finn society, as social aspirations among Finn Indians are consistently mediocre, and in general their orientation is towards the lamestream culture."
The Finnish Ministry of Education and Culture conducted thorough research into different cultures and literatures and found Indian the most appropriate. Ms. Sini Makkanen, a representative of the ministry explains, "Chetan Bhagat's works helps buffer the gap between Aesop's fables and Charles Dickens."
She adds, "The forced sex scenes also make kids automatically averse to forced sex. One stone, Two birds. The kids don't like this expression. We might lighten up on the Buddhism in the future."
Meanwhile, a Gujarat university introduces a six-month certificate course in Astrology and Vaastu, and plans to allow diploma holders to pursue two year PhDs as well.
German man participates in book exchange; receives 36 copies of Mein Kampf, in Hebrew
"Book Lovers Unite: Gift a book. I need six (may exceed) people, of any age or nationality, to participate in a book exchange. You only have to buy ONE book and send it to one person and you’ll receive 36 in return! Comment if you’re interested and I will inbox you the details. Also, please do it only if you will actually buy a book. This is not a prank.”
Chinchpur, December 2020: The popular book exchange scheme has been around for a few years now but it is still going strong, as witnessed by our editors who've since had to block a lot of people from their social media accounts. The "internet challenge" asks people to send one book, of their choice, to an address provided and promises 36 books in return.
Jan Jung, a German baker, participated in the virtual book exchange last summer hoping to collect a few new and varied titles for his personal library. This week he received the last of his 36 copies of Mein Kampf. "It's all a big practical joke," he said. "Most of them are in scripts that I cannot read either. I'm not even sure if it is safe to donate them to the public library."
Jan has become the butt of most jokes in his local pub this year. Although he presents a cool exterior, happy to be providing a good laugh to his mates, his wife agrees that this might have been a mistake. Pranks like this have been coming to the fore a lot more often now.
Sangeetha, a sociologist from Shiroda, Goa, participated in the internet book exchange while she was studying in university. Over the year, she received books like Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses, S. K. Datta-Rey's Smash and Grab, and several others which hold the distinction of being banned in India. Sangeetha has loved the collective idea all her book donors had and has made this the basis of her sociology thesis.
Bharat, a rural school teacher from Chinchpur, Maharashtra, spent his school's entire (albeit small) budget on this book exchange, hoping that this scheme will enable him to build a library for his village. But in five months, he has received a meagre 5 books, that too in Tamil and Malayalam, which no one in his village understands.
Popular investor and myth-buster, Mr. Bhaskar had very harsh words regarding the book exchange scheme. "This just exemplifies that not everyone who reads a lot of books is not utterly dumb," he said. "People willingly participating in pyramid schemes masquerading as social experiments or online challenges epitomize the stupidity of human existence."
Charaka Sushrutha Biotech approaches the DCGI for emergency garlic vaccine approval
Vaccine regimen includes an optional 3 day retreat to "cleanse the mind"
New Delhi, December 2020: Charaka Sushrutha Biotech, also known as CS Biotech, has approached the Drugs Controller General of India (DCGI) for emergency approval for their traditional garlic based vaccine. "The drug has passed 3 stages of clinical trials. We are hence approaching the government for approval. We are certain that they will approve us by New Year's day," the company said in a statement posted on their Twitter page.
The vaccine is made entirely from indigenous products, and most necessary components can be purchased at grocery stores. The specifics of the vaccine were released by the company on their website. "We like to keep all of our information free, open source, and in the public domain."
The primary component of the vaccine is garlic. The vaccine includes, among other items of interest, ginger, onions, cardamom, pepper, and a special powder called Charaka, a proprietary product of CS Biotech. The ingredients for this powder are unknown. It's also worth noting that the powder costs around INR 749 for one tablespoon. An excerpt of the instructions for the vaccine preparation, as listed on their website and social media, are reproduced below.
"Once you have obtained all the ingredients listed above, place them on a cutting board before you. Cut the garlic up into two pieces, and place one of the pieces in your mouth. While it stays in your mouth, clap 27 times as you rotate counter-clockwise 18 times. Once that is done, take the garlic out of your mouth, and mix it with all the other ingredients in the portions specified above in a mixie jar. Add one tablespoon of Charaka powder, and mix for 45 seconds. Drink this portion in 90 seconds."
The multiples of 9 reportedly have some numerological significance, however the exact reasoning has not been disclosed. Dr. Sooryavanshi, our in-house counsel on numerology, posits that the recurrence of the number nine has to do with the influence of the nava-grah on covid nineteen.
A DCGI source told us that the vaccine meets the clinical requirements set by the CDSCO, and will most likely obtain emergency regulatory approval by January 2. The spokesperson for the ICMR was too stupefied to comment, but we were able to get a comment from the IMA.
"They keep calling this a vaccine. I don't think it means what they think it means," the IMA spokesperson said. "One of the ingredients in the Charaka powder that they're selling is an oil obtained from petroleum jelly. They are, quite literally, snake oil salesmen."
In the meantime, pre-orders for a special Charaka-Sushruta Bag (available at INR 2500 for a family of 2), that contains all the ingredients for the vaccine in a vacuum sealed bag, have already hit 8 lakhs. Additionally, certain state governments are currently negotiating pricing for their own bulk orders for the same.
The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week
Tax Evasion: When you don't buy tickets to the event, but get in by hiding your wallet and acting like a homeless person. Commonly confused with corruption.
Corruption: When the ticket checker still won't let you in, so you have to buy him a biryani in appeasement. Commonly confused with lobbying.
Lobbying: When the organisers persuade the "independent" judges to give their sub-par choreo team the first place in the choreo competition. Commonly confused with home advantage.