A Tale of Two Woods (THG #2 of 20)
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Dear reader:
Welcome back to The Hindustan Grimes, where the motto is, like every other news peddler: Entertainment. Entertainment, And Entertainment. If you got this through a friend, subscribe by clicking here, and if you're the friend who's already subscribed, share it with your other friends.
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Anyway, in this issue, we talk about select happenings in Bollywood and Hollywood. While the Times of India has kept you updated about the latest saree photoshoot of every actress, we bring you more serious stories like "Why CID had to halt shooting" and "Why Salman Khan has not released any movies in over a year".
Yours dramatically,
momo & eggsy
CID production halted; SET India Apologises for promoting police brutality
"Aata maajhi satakli": Ajay Devgn
Mumbai, January 2021: Following multiple custodial deaths in the state of Maharashtra which sparked wide spread outrage, Sony Entertainment Television (SET) has suspended production on CID, the longest running reality cop show in World Television history. The show has been criticised for suspending habeas corpus, and many of the protagonists, including Inspector Daya, have been known to slap suspects upon catching them. "We have been following the cops around with cameras so we can take the public feedback at anytime. Hence, we will recast these cops with those that use updated policing techniques," a spokesperson for SET India said. We received an additional tip from an anonymous source within SET India that CID had actually halted production two years ago, and they were simply airing reruns of people being slapped since 2018, and no one had noticed.
To gain a better perspective on how the police shows work across India, we conducted exclusive interviews with DCP Singham, DCP Chulbul Pandey, Salman Khan and Former Commissioner Aditya Arunachalam. Subscribers can access the full videos of these interviews at our Patreon.
"You can't follow cops around and expect us to do our jobs properly," Singham said in an exclusive interview. "When I slap criminals, I slap them so hard they bounce off the floor. That's the kind of fear I strike in them. They tell me whatever I need to know." Singham has been accused of police brutality and encounter deaths on multiple occasions, but has been cleared by investigative committees each time. When we asked him about the fact that he himself was the star of a cop movie franchise where he was followed around, he said, "That's different. I get paid for that. It's not the same thing."
Salman Khan, known for his role as Chulbul Pandey in the famous (and surprisingly accurate) biopic Dabangg, spoke to us as well. "You see, the actual police are not that manly. Chulbul Pandey is more the exception than the rule. But the police provide excellent services. I would rate them 5/7."
Right before we published this article, the Mumbai CBI branch has confirmed that they will be investigating the Mumbai CID for allegations of police misconduct. The office of ACP Pradyuman put out a statement at once stating the following. "We [The CID] welcome the investigation by the CBI, and we hope that when they interview us, they don't assume we are guilty and slap us. To avoid such confusion, we will not run away when they try to interview us."
Salman Khan refuses to release movie in 2021; Says people have suffered enough
"Same": Shahrukh Khan
Bollywood, January 2021: With Radhe and Antim in post-production, Salman Khan appears to be waiting for people to get over their suffering and disease to release his movies. Rumours abound that even though his PR team suggested releasing the movies soon, pointing to the lack of taste being a symptom of COVID19 and not just a characteristic of his audience, Mr. Khan refused to act on it.
While A-list actors have decided to sit on their money and wait out the pandemic, tryhard B-list and C-list actors have turned to Youtube and Tiktok for work. "We cannot wait it out like them," said a flustered Fardeen Khan. "My crack dealer is crawling up my ass for his money and I need to find work fast."
Meanwhile, the Aurangabad Regional Head of the Salman Khan Fan Federation gathered two hundred supporters at the city centre to uncover a hundred posters of Salman Khan and poured milk on it to persuade him to release a new movie. "We are very sad that Bhai hasn't released a movie in over a year. We want him to know that we are waiting," said the Regional Head who wished to remain unnamed.
After a video of Mr. Khan leaked on Twitter yesterday, many Mumbai citizens rejoiced and turned out in the streets to celebrate the relief at not having to be hounded by blathering movie-goers. The increase in the density of people in the streets was quickly observed by the municipality and security forces were sent to detain the leaders of the crowd in order to fight the spread of COVID.
Another set of protests broke out after the Film Crew Workers' Union's leaders met during the weekend. "By sheer numbers, the crew make up more of the film industry than the cast. And we are unhappy with this trend," said an emotional Mr. Diaz, the union chief. "The actors can wait out the employment hiatuses in their mansions. We don't have the luxury to do that."
Many of the union workers have also transitioned to working on Tiktok and Instagram Reels content. "The quality of content is really not that different," said Cut Dada, an editor with over 15 years of experience in the industry.
Mr. Diaz and the union workers staged a protest and walked to Juhu with obscene placards aimed at "highbrow" actors. The Shiv Sena has claimed that this is not a protest about disgruntled workers and unemployment at all. They say the protest has been hijacked by anti-national elements and needs to be stopped immediately.
SpaceX and Musk get cancelled
Elon Musk's Tesla Roadster reportedly carjacked
Palo Alto, December 2020: Silicon Valley is reeling with new developments as Fox, a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company, refused to renew SpaceX for another season, stating that the idea of using an actual rocket that went to space was too expensive. "Many of the Disney+ shows are also set in space. Star Wars is literally set on the stars. But what do they do? They use CGI and green screens like normal people. A rocket set is very expensive, that's why the US government shut down their space program," said Aaron Cross, senior executive and public relations manager at the Walt Disney Company. "NASA went to the moon once, and they could never recover their finances. It doesn't make sense to fund SpaceX anymore. Consider their last launch the series finale."
Soon after, Mr. Musk took to Twitter to bash Disney and Fox, calling Mr. Cross a paedophile, and subsequently he tweeted at AT&T, parent of Warner Media's HBO, to acquire and renew SpaceX. Soon after, rumours surfaced on twitter that HBO was considering this acquisition for their new HBO Max streaming service, but both AT&T and HBO were unavailable for comment.
In the mean time, due to Disney's cancellation, a mission that was intended to send crucial supplies to the Space Station was put on indefinite hold, and we have gotten reports from SpaceX insiders that oxygen is running low due to issues with the station's Environmental Control and Life Support System (ECLSS). The cancelled mission would've provided some crucial components required to repair the system. Our source leaked bombshell audio recordings of a conversation between the astronauts and Mission Control, part of which we have transcribed below.
Astronaut 1 @ ISS: Mr. Musk, there are at least 7 crucial components we'd need to have received on that mission. You need to make alternate arrangements soon, we will run out of oxygen in the next 16 hours.
Musk: Sniff a plant!
Astronaut 2: Excuse me, sir?
Musk: SNIFF A PLANT! SNIFF A PLANT!
Astronaut 1: Ummm.
Astronaut 2: I'm not sure the quantity from the plants will be enough.
Astronaut 3: That's not how this works, sir.
Musk: Do some Pranayama to ration your oxygen.
Soon after this recording was leaked, Twitterati took to twitter to cancel Musk for being inconsiderate to his employees. Meanwhile, Tesla's stock ended at a 5 week high, and following the cancellation, Disney's stock soared to a 12 month high.
The families of the astronauts have launched a GoFundMe to help SpaceX secure funding for the mission, and the GoFundMe has raised 2500 USD. Additional reports surfaced stating that ISRO would be launching a mission to the space station with the required parts, but we were unable to reach their Office of Public Relations due to linguistic barriers. The Hindustan Grimes' editorial board wishes God Speed to the astronauts on board the ISS.
The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week
Debt Consolidation: When you owe little bits of money to a lot of people, so your best-friend pays up for you. Commonly confused with debt erasure.
Debt erasure: When you're graduating from college and your friend gives up on collecting what you owe, because (s)he's just done. Commonly confused with debt relief.
Debt relief: When the ruling party in a bid for re-election, wipes clean your education loan, so now you can finally go on that Thailand trip with your friends. Commonly confused with campaigning.
Au revoir!
eggsy & momo