If you have peace, prepare for war (THG #4 of 20)
~ An Arms Corporation, probably.
Dear reader:
We're back with another issue of The Hindustan Grimes, where we bring you news straight from the line of control, amidst the war zone, and sometimes even behind enemy lines. Well, what can we say: War sells.
This is the fourth issue of the season and the fifth overall. We're about to complete a month of continuous publication and we are very excited. We've written eighteen stories already, we have nearly half a century subscribers, and our twitter is up. We are having a fun time writing and we hope you're having as much a fun time reading too.
This issue falls on the heels of the anniversary of our constitution coming into effect. 71 years. And we know nothing brings a country together like a war. It's a bit of an overkill when you're at war with two of your neighbours and on an indefinite number of fronts. It is also a shame that it hasn't brought the country together an indefinite number of times as much. Anyway, here's some war news.
Yours aggressively,
momo & eggsy
Army Signs Deal with Lithuanian Company. Sri(x4) Amar Angry. Calls for reform.
Kautilya's Arthashastra jumps to #1 on amazon.in
New Delhi, Jan 2021: Sri Sri Sri Sri Amar Ji holds that Lord Ram invented the first night vision device and it is a disgrace that we have to get "modern" tech from outside India. Enunciating heavy lines from the scriptures, he expounds why modern isn't necessarily better; says fire is still awesome.
"This government and these procurement boards are full of corrupt politicians, quixotic soldiers, and naive engineers. Do they not see that this company is selling us product (sic) that is inferior to our own? Do they do it for money, pride, and technology?"
Quoting Adi Shankaracharya's rhetoric, Amar Ji tells us, “Who but the Atman is capable of removing the bonds of ignorance, passion, and self-interested action? Who but us can rid ourselves of the ignorant technology that these selfish companies so passionately sell us?”
Heeding to Amar Ji's call to action, many spiritual men have come forward and volunteered to sit on government committees for defence procurement, education policy, financial planning etc. It is no false matter that these men have an exemplary record of leadership, wealth accumulation, and alternative education.
Economists and academicians are hailing this a Hail Mary. Popular science communicator and IIT Goa faculty member Dr. Samar Sardi tweeted, "We're all going to die. #AmarNoMore"
As direct representatives of supreme beings and backed my millions of ardent followers, the men of the gods have come to describe this as a true victory of democracy. They have however declined to be corrupted by such things as income tax returns and criminal investigations. As a compromise though, they have offered discounts for purifying the offices and bureaus of such entities. There really is no end to their humility.
Chameleon Corps Lost Behind Enemy Lines
Inspires Yo Yo Honey Singh Hit Single "Chameleons be Chameleonin'"
Siachen, January 2021: The Grimes recently received a secret message on Signal from an informant in the Armed Forces Special Operations Division (AFSOD) of the Indian Armed Forces. It has become apparent that Major General A. K. Bera, Chief of AFSOD, has been worried sick since losing contact with the Special Forces Chameleon corps two days ago.
"They have been trained in hiding too well. We will never find them," said a passive aggressive lieutenant of the Garden Lizard corps who wished to remain unnamed.
Shri Shri Defense Baba has booked Delhi's Jantar Mantar tonight for performing a special Girgit Safe Return Puja. Twenty thousand people are expected to arrive; social distancing protocols will not be enforced. BlackMyShow.com too has run out of tickets. Anjaanpur MLA Chota Hero has asked people to step out of their homes and fire crackers in the street at eight o' clock tomorrow so that the lost men can hear our support.
Barrister Sunil Prabhakar has filed a PIL against the Delhi government for allowing such frivolous and misleading events at Jantar Mantar. The Delhi government has in turn blamed the Central Government for allowing such events in their jurisdiction and threatened to go on a hunger strike in Jantar Mantar right after instead. However, they have promised to enforce social distancing in their hunger strike.
AFSOD has called upon air-force special forces Cobra Corps and navy special forces Turtle Team for the rescue mission. The Chief has informed us that the thoughts and prayers sent towards their mission using WhatsApp forwards and Facebook posts are sure to give them a special edge.
"We are all reptiles. We stick together," said a reinvigorated Maj. Gen. Bera. "And we perform best in the heat of battle."
Defence contractors complain about a drop in recruitment and business during COVID
MoD promises increased military spending in upcoming fiscal year
New Delhi, January 2021: Over the last year, due to the COVID19 pandemic, there has been a sharp drop in the number of military appliances purchased by the Indian Government and those of friendly nations from Indian arms manufacturers and other similar defence contractors. As a result, many such top defence contractors have had to reduce recruitment and lay off their existing employees.
"There are so many college graduates who want to join the Ordnance Factory Board or the Indian Defense Company, and have based their majors and minors on such careers," wrote an annoyed Mr. Vinod Gupta, President of The Indian Defense Company, in an op-ed for The Times of New York. "With defence spending drastically reduced, these college graduates have to take number-crunching desk jobs at boring companies, with lesser pay. I'm not talk about Musk's Boring Company. I'm talking about actual boring companies. People who applied for and procured licenses to pilot surveillance and munition drones for the military are now having to work for delivery companies instead. It's very boring, and doesn't pay as much."
The Indian Association of Defence Manufacturers (IADM) was also not pleased with recent developments, a point which was elaborated on in the op-ed. "The government is not helping our cause, by approaching foreign corporations such as Lockheed Martin for their defence requirements. With a little support, we can create indigenous aircrafts, with the same efficiency and lower costs. The MoD must not purchase F21's from them. The government must support Make In India," said Ms. Vidya Bhavani, chair of the association. "We must also acknowledge that India's military industrial complex is underdeveloped, and some of the companies in our association need to invest more in election cycles moving forward, if we want to ensure a regular and sufficient turnover every year.”
There have been other reasons for lay offs in the defence sector worldwide. Smaller developing countries have decided to prioritise COVID response, and have hence cut defence spending from global defence corporations, much to the chagrin of American corporations and their government. "Military is security. Security is victory. Nations that have cut defence spending must understand that their defence interests align with the interests of the US State department. It is crucial that they do so, so as to preserve the values of democracy and freedom," said Ms. Molinari, Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs to the United States Government, in a prepared statement.
The Indian Government attempted to alleviate tensions after the op-ed was published. "Since we came into power, we have overseen a 700% increase in arms exports from India. We promise to deliver a similar increase in the next fiscal year, and increase support for arms and munitions manufacturers in India for our own purposes as well. We would like to assure all our partners in the private sector that the government plans to need a lot of such supplies over the course of the next year. In the meantime, we will be following the example of the United States and procuring military grade equipment for our police forces as well," the PIB said, in a joint statement prepared for the MoD and the Home Ministry.
The statement drew criticism for the opposition, with Mr. Oval Juram, a parliamentarian in the Standing Committee on Defence, calling it "war mongering" and "promoting police militarisation", but the MoD and the Home Ministry were unavailable for further comment. Mr. Juram has sought anticipatory bail for charges of sedition and dissent.
The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week
Arbitration: When you and your sister are fighting for the fluffier pillow and your mom walks in to resolve the matter. Commonly confused with adjudication.
Adjudication: When your mom can't solve the issue so y'all go to your dad who confiscates the Pillow Of Dispute until the end of the holidays. Commonly confused with redressal.
Redressal: When both you and your sister stop talking to your dad for confiscating the pillow so he now buys another good one to even it out. Commonly confused with easement.
Jai Hind!
momo & eggsy