Sachin: A Billion Tax-free Rupees (THG #7 of 20)
You buy insurance in a fit to cover all your bases from an insurance company whose motto is: "All your base are belong to us."
Dear reader:
Welcome back to The Hindustan Grimes, where we provide the news with greater accuracy than all prime time shows in the country combined.
This Valentine's weekend, we bring you three stories that have as much to do with late capitalism as Valentine's day does, a hundred percent. We further explore the appalling nature of dentistry and health insurance, and quietly yearn for the dentistry of the Hellenic Era.
Yours lovingly,
momo & eggsy
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Poor man cannot afford dentist. Superglues son's teeth together.
Unarmed man robs prosthetics shop. Police attempt to disarm and unarm the consequently armed man.
Meerut, February 2021: A mob comprising victims of insurance non-payouts, interested citizens, people of irregular teeth, and idle yet enthusiastic college students broke into The Insurance* company's premises and staged a protest. Having caught the security detail off-guard, the enthusiastic college students began a flash mob routine to the tune of "Mo Money Mo Problems." They were quickly shut down by the rest of the protesters.
Upon inquiry about the structure of the "protest group", the mob failed to produce a leader and told us that they joined together over instructions from an anonymously curated Google Doc. "We paid our health insurance premiums thinking we'll be covered for when something goes wrong. Who do we turn to when The Insurance company also does us wrong?" asked D. Kanti (name unconfirmed).
After receiving some aid from the police department to clear the mob from the premises, the health insurance company's PR team held a press conference to clarify the facts of the case. "There is no case," said The Insurance* representative. "We expressly obtain signatures from our customers on documents that say we are liable for nothing and can payout at our discretion, in small print of course." She added, "dental problems are not real problems. If they can't eat bread, let them drink smoothies."
The recent protests and debates among various stakeholders of the health insurance industry follows the viral spread of the story of Danesh Doot's dismal dentistry. Unable to afford a dentist's services, Danesh fixed his son, Megh's broken teeth with superglue. Due to excess glue, the quackery victim found his jaws glued together and had to be fed nasally. A successful GoFundMe campaign over the last week has enabled Megh to get a dental surgery.
Meanwhile, the National Dentists' Association held a high level meeting and released a press statement yesterday. "We cannot stand by and watch while radiology departments in big hospitals claim unreasonably big expenses and get paid by the health insurance companies, when we, dentists, take the most x-rays," said Dr. May Svalk, chief spokesperson of the NDA. "We want health insurance policies to cover our work too. We are just as important." The NDA has called upon the government to organise talks between the NDA and the insurance companies.
The Ministry of Health and Family Welfare has formed a Department of Dentistry (or DoD) to coordinate with and consider the pleas of the various stakeholders of the issue. The Ministry failed to respond to tweets inquiring whether dental costs would be covered under National Health Protection plans like Ayushman Bharat in the future.
*The Insurance to End All Insurances Inc.™️
Rumours of second demonetization surface as govt. plans to remove remnant black money
#rumoursgobrrr trending #1 worldwide
New Delhi, February 2021: Rumours of a second demonetisation resurfaced after the general secretary of the ruling party, Mr. Patel, hinted that such a plan was in the works during a party rally at Noida. Mr. Patel was accompanied by the Finance Minister, Mrs. Radhakrishnan, at the rally. "When they ask us what we are doing, we say Demonetisation. Then they say that we have already had one demonetisation, to which we reply, We've had one, yes. What about second demonetisation?" Mr Patel said, to raving cheers from the party cadre present. "We will keep doing demonetisation until all black money has been eliminated," said Mrs. Radhakrishnan. She added, "Last time we eliminated 5% of black money from the pockets of the corrupt. Another 19 times and we will be golden."^#
Multiple banks, however, have assured their customers that all money deposited in the last 4 years has been insured. Jay Shri Ram Bank confirmed that this insurance was set at 50% of the deposited value. "When you deposit money in our bank using a note that later gets demonetised, you only lose 50% of it, as we have an amazing insurance policy. This only costs ₹ 20,000 up front, and premiums are calculated based on a number of factors," the bank said, in a statement released in its newsletter and on its Twitter page.
This move however drew a lot of criticism from customers, who claimed that they deposited money and paid tax solely to avoid demonetisation, to which the bank confirmed that the terms of service had been changed, with the insurance policy being opt-out. As a result of the rumours, however, premiums for the insurance policy shot up, which led to wide-spread protests across the country. In new developments, the Directorates of Vigilance & Anti-Corruption (DVAC's) across the country, working with the Enforcement Directorate (ED), arrested all protestors and raided their homes and businesses to search for black money. Predictably, however, an anonymous insider who works at the Tamil Nadu DVAC confirmed that a large majority of the protestors arrested had no more than ₹5000 - ₹10000 cash on hand. "Why are we trying this again, it didn't work last time!" our source angrily commented.
Dr. Raghuram Rajan, the Katherine Dusak Miller Distinguished Service Professor of Finance at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business and the former chair of the RBI, warned against such a move. "It didn't work the first time and it won't work the second time. Oh, what does it matter what I say, they're going to turn around and do it anyway, like they did last time," said a frustrated Mr. Rajan to a reporter of the Chicago Grimes who approached him on campus. The reporter was soon expelled from the University of Chicago campus for violating social distancing norms, and is currently facing criminal charges.
Dr. Gita Gopinath, chief economist to the IMF, dismissed the rumours but promised to stand strongly against the move if it was implemented. "The IMF stands in solidarity with ₹ 2000 notes, they have not lived a long life," she said on Twitter. "It is the function of the IMF to support money, and the people who have more of it."
The government is trying to frustrate the corrupt out of corruption. It appears to be a good way to eliminate the corruption among the corrupt and all faith in life among the rest. They will eventually be successful, but at what cost? The Hindustan Grimes' editorial team can offer you no reasonable answer, except to recommend Jio Bank™️ for your deposits, due to their low premiums and high guarantees.
PS: We have no corporate affiliates and are not sponsored by Jio. We would like to though.
^Translated from Hindi
#Our in-house mathematician found that this calculation was, in fact, not how compounding works. Oh well.
Virat Kohli claims tax deductions masquerading as an actor; Says "Tendulkar did it first."
Vijay Mallya claims tax benefit as a sportsperson by virtue of involvement with RCB
Mumbai, February 2021: The Central Bureau of Investigation, in a joint operation with the ED and the IRS, arrested Virat Kohli and produced him before the Income Tax Appellate Tribunal (ITAT), for claiming tax deductions masquerading as an actor. His counsel heavily argued that there exists precedent for such tax deductions, pointing to the 2011 case argued before the very same Mumbai bench of the ITAT, where Sachin Tendulkar proved that he was in fact an actor, despite the prosecution's claims of Mr. Tendulkar undergoing an "identity crisis" by registering as an actor. Mr Kohli read a prepared statement to the court himself, saying, "He got a Bharat Ratna and a seat in the Rajya Sabha too, I'd say that that qualifies as pretty significant precedence."
The ITAT bench, headed by Justice Lakshmi Ramakanth, confirmed that the precedence might not directly apply, and the case would have to be investigated thoroughly, citing multiple differences between the two cases. "There are two fundamental differences between the scenarios," the preliminary judgement read. "Firstly, once Sachin's "supporters" are on your side, tribunals and such authorities are nothing. It's not that Sachin's fans are dumb. All fans are. Sachin just has more of them in number," it said. "Secondly, revenue collections have plummeted over the last 10 years, as a result of lowered corporate taxes. We have hence adopted a much more stringent approach to such fraudulent attempts to evade taxes. We will have to probe this matter more."
While delivering the preliminary ruling, Judge Richards commented, "Sachin Tendulkar is exempt from most of these laws, given that he is literally God. The matter is not as simple as you make it seem." After this ruling, multiple cricketers took to Twitter to stand in solidarity with Mr. Kohli, using the hashtags #IndiaTogether and #IndiaAgainstTaxBullying. "This is a common practice, calling it an identity crisis is insulting," said Mr. Rohit Sharma to a paparazzo who approached him while he was on vacation in the Mauritius. "I stand with Virat and all my other colleagues on this issue. #IndiaAgainstTaxBullying," he said, verbally.
After the preliminary hearing, Mr. Kohli addressed reporters outside the tribunal, where he doubled down on his position. "It takes practice to act in commercials. I am an actor. Don't underplay my contribution to the arts," he said. "I plan to appeal this all the way to the Supreme Court. The kind of range I display as a performer no other actor on this globe has that right now, I have raw talent like Tommy Wiseau for layered character depictions but I can also do skilled action and glamour like Tommy Wiseau. #Manyavar #Pepsi (sic)"
The Grimes’ Definitions of the Week
Demonetisation: When you accidentally leave money in your pockets while putting it in the washing machine, and it gets soiled beyond comprehension. Commonly confused with money laundering.
Money Laundering: When you request donations to "Save the Children" but the children in question are your own. Commonly confused with crowdfunding ransom.
Crowdfunding Ransom: When you want to remain relevant in Bollywood, and so you donate to the Prime Minister's Relief Fund 5 minutes after it is announced and demand your followers to do so as well. Commonly confused with fighting the COVID19 pandemic.
Tofa,
momo and eggsy