No Sea For Old Cows (THG S3 #2 of 20)
“Do Do Do Do Do Do Do” and “Moo Moo Moo Moo Moo Moo Moo” ~ Baby Shark and Baby Cow respectively, probably
Dear reader:
Welcome back to the Grimes, where we talk about what’s new in the world of animal and human welfare, as well as plant and microbial subsistence, but most regularly human and abstract hardships.
Happy New Year!
This week, we delve into the animal welfare aspect, and talk about different ways in which animals are being treated in the US and India. We also talk about a Diplomatic Crisis that could one day turn into a major motion picture starring Tom Hanks, if he promises not to do a “Bulgarian” accent that is.
Yours temporally maladjusted,
momo & eggsy
If a friend sent this to you and you'd like to subscribe, click here. If you'd like to share this issue with a friend, either forward the email, or use the link above to share it.
Man Gets Stuck Indefinitely on Ferry Quarantine After Both Countries Refuse Entry
“Stateless” victim survives on free food samples and duty-free alcohol
Baltic Sea, January 2022: As a New Year dawns for most on the planet, a former Crimean man appears to be stuck in both temporal and geographical loops. After embarking on an overnight ferry from the port of Helisnki to the port of Stockholm seven days ago, the man has continually failed to obtain permission to alight. Representatives from the Tallink Shipping Company tell us that diplomats from both Finland and Sweden have refused to embrace the Christmas spirit and thus they’ve had to shoulder the burden.
Sweden has required non-Swedish citizens entering the country to possess a negative PCR test for COVID19 since mid-December. Finland introduced an identical rule last week. The unfortunate traveler, Mr. Avangard Reagardov, developed symptoms of COVID19 while on the ferry and on testing, in international waters, was found to be infected with the Omicron strain. Sweden refused entry to Mr. Reagardov the following morning, and Finland the day after upon hearing of his return.
“I have just been at sea for the past week and I’m quite enjoying it now,” says Mr. Reagardov. “I’m actually doing much better here. Helsinki has had such bad weather lately, and it’s been so cold in my apartment. I’m way more comfortable in Tallink’s air conditioned cabins. I had high hopes for Stockholm, but I guess they can be regarded as cold “metaphorically”.”
“Since, he’s going to be on my boat indefinitely and since he clearly can’t pay for more than the first two trips he actually paid for, we’ve given him a job,” says the captain, Mr. Ferry-é McFerryFace. “We even had a tailor brought on board to measure him up for a uniform. This form of recruitment is unprecedented, but whatever floats my boat, or ferry I guess.”
Avangard believes that women really appreciate a man in uniform. “Sailors, doctors, lawyers, that’s the main professions women go for,” he says. “It’s just unfortunate that I might have to keep to quarantine so I can get off this boat sometime. All the attention this uniform is getting me is going to waste. Even my colleagues are more afraid of HR more than they are of Omicron.”
Mark Cuban stabs four Sharks in Unaired Shark Tank Episode
Contestant with mortality solution says it was just a prank
Los Angeles, January 2021: The thirteenth season of American business reality television series, Shark Tank, is rumoured to be halted mid-season, at episode thirteen, after blood was spilled at the second half of the season’s shooting. Billionaire Mark Cuban has been suspected and accused of stabbing four of his fellow sharks on the set in order to test a contestant’s product. He has been filmed performing said act of suspicion and accusation as well.
“Mr. Cuban wants the fear of the moment, the adrenaline, the energy, to drive the contestants,” said Mark “Money Speaks” American, spokesperson for Mr. Cuban, in a press briefing outside the Shark Tank set in ABC Studios. “There was absolutely no ill-will toward the other Sharks involved. In fact, Mr. Cuban loves sharks, the ones in seats as well as the ones in cages. He is ambivalent toward the ones in open ocean though. Too much blood. Honestly, after the incident with the pointy instrument, even Mr. Cuban was surprised with the amount of blood. Who knew our sharks had blood in ‘em?”
“Some are saying that Mark hates us and that is why he stabbed us,” said fellow shark and stab wound receiver, Lori Greiner. “There is no truth to that. He’s just a billionaire. That doesn’t even have to be qualified with the word “eccentric”. He does these kinds of things from time to time. I still have some time to go before I can get away with these things.”
Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Police Department, after receiving flak for initially pressing Animal Brutality charges, have modified the charge sheet to reflect charges of Aggravated Assault. Mr. Cuban, whose lawyers always obtain an anticipatory bail before he enters a county, was seen at the Crypto.com Arena for the Lakers vs Mavericks game.
Nature enthusiast and TV presenter, Bear Grylls weighed in on the incident on Twitter. “I’m very annoyed with Mark Cuban”: he tweeted. Also, animal euthanasia enthusiast and professional fake news spreader, PETA tweeted: “If @MarkCuban treated actual sharks the same way as his pretend sharks, we would be way more outraged. Anyway, check out this NSFW video of fishermen gutting sharks. DON’T EAT SHARKS. #SharkLivesMatter.”
Govt Announces Grants into Bovine Cancer Research. Funding Allegedly Misappropriated: CAG
Association for Cow Welfare sees a 2000x spike in funding after receiving a Rs. 2,00,000 grant
New Delhi, January 2022: In January of 2020, right before the COVID19 pandemic, the AYUSH ministry created the Department of Cows, to fund research into bovine cancer and other illnesses. Yesterday, the Special Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG) for independent departments put out a scathing report regarding the department’s usage and allocation of funds.
The department’s website claims, “Cow is mother. We take so much from her. It’s time to give back.” The report details that most funding has gathered dust, and the funds that have been used have not been allocated appropriately.
“Patanjali University was initially the sole applicant for the grants, taking in over Rs. 5 crores for just two labs. The first application was riddled with scientific errors, and was approved in less than an hour nonetheless. This grant was worth one crore, and has yet to produce a single piece of original literature in a peer-reviewed journal,” the report stated.
However, this monopoly was short-lived. After discretionary funding dried up, researchers at IITs, IISc, and the National Centre for Biological Sciences (NCBS) understood the assignment and started to apply for grants by connecting their work with cow research. For instance, one Prof. Pushpamegh Pante, a lepidopterologist, posited that butterflies and other insects are essential in the pollination of certain weeds and grass that cows eat, and are therefore crucial to study to improve the longevity of the bovine creatures.
Another researcher who studies stem cells very easily pivoted her research, saying that cows could require organ transplants when faced with serious disease. On condition of anonymity, she told us that research funding from the Department of Science & Technology and the Department of Biotechnology had dried up, leaving them with no option but to approach the Department of Cows. Following the use of such strategies, the number of grants approved from the department grew 10 fold.
The CAG’s report also details the numerous ways in which true bovine research had not progressed, and cow fatality had reached an all time high despite the rise of Cow Vigilantism in India. They attribute this to poor shelters for cattle across the country, and a lack of funding for such shelters. They finally propose dissolving the Department of Cows and handing operations over to local authorities with nation wide mandates.
This report was widely debated on prime time television news, with most news anchors decrying the CAG’s office. Later on, the CAG was doxxed online and it is believed that a Molotov Cocktail was thrown at her house. The local police are investigating, but the suspects seem to have plot armour political protection.
In Other News
UN Proposal to Formally Define “International Waters” Impeded by Protesters Asking “What About Ice?”
Scientists from CERN brought in to prove that ice is still technically water.
Baby Shark Do Do Do Do Creator Sues Shark Tank for Copyright Infringement
Pink Fong says, “Baby Shark > Stabby Shark”
PETA-funded Study Finds Link Between Inbreeding Depression and Clinical Depression
“Euthanasia is the solution”: PETA, on Depression
Sharks Threaten Unionisation; Actors Guild of America Offers Membership
Claim royalties from first 7 Sharknado movies withheld
Hälsningar,
momo & eggsy