Once Upon A Time, There Was News (THG S3 #3 of 20)
“There is no news.” ~ Herodotus, probably
Dear reader:
Welcome to The Grimes, where we scour the oozy dregs of poor ideas to cleanse the cauldron of circumstantial creativity. We also write. And sometimes, laugh.
Who Moved My Momo?
In this issue, we discuss the positive effects of smoking weed on the Omicron variant, how space capitalism is pushing the limits of our imagination, and how honour among thieves extends beyond thieves.
Yours effectually affable,
momo & eggsy
If a friend sent this to you and you'd like to subscribe, click here. If you'd like to share this issue with a friend, either forward the email, or use the link above to share it.
New Study Finds Smoking Weed Effective Against Omicron
#legalizeweed gains traction as BJP IT Cell comes in support
New Delhi, January 2022: A study published in the American Journal of Respiratory and Critical Care Medicine found that smoking marijuana was helpful as a treatment and preventative measure against the Omicron variant of the SARS-CoV-2. The study, published by doctors and researchers from AIIMS Delhi and the Indian Institute of Public Health, Gandhinagar, claims that smoking marijuana has led to lower hospitalisations among both vaccinated and unvaccinated subjects between the ages of 18 and 70.
“This was truly an unprecedented study we conducted. It took some effort to get government approval, but we are grateful that the government supported this study,” said Dr. Michelle J Bhang, the lead researcher at IIPH. “The Honorable Home Minister even called us when the study was approved by the journal.”
The study found that smoking marijuana clears up respiratory sinuses, weakening the SIRS component of COVID19. The researchers have not checked the effects of edibles, except empirically. “I won’t deny we used some of the stuff to make chocolates and brownies for the team after long hours in the lab. But none of that data is sufficiently experimental to publish,” said Dr. Mathrubootham J Khanna, lead researcher from AIIMS. “We are frontline workers as well as researchers, so we need to take a load off sometimes.”
The BJP IT Cell Telegram group created a WhatsApp forward in favour of full recreational legalisation, with multiple plants in the Telegram Group confirming the origin of the message. The forward went viral on social media as well as WhatsApp, with multiple MLAs and MPs, especially from the state of Uttarakhand, tweeting in support of legalising marijuana. Uttarakhand has a homegrown marijuana industry, and it is semi-legal to grow the crop there.
Big tobacco firms, including the ITC, came out against the movement. “We would rather take the high ground in this instance. We don’t need social evils in the country,” ITC Press Relations Head B.D. Dhoomra said.
In the meantime, the Bharatiya Mazdoor Sangh, the BJP’s labour union, petitioned the Agriculture Ministry for protections for the growing of weed. At the same time, Reliance has begun purchasing large amounts of land in Uttarakhand, UP, and Assam. It seems that they are also attempting to make forays into the weed business, a move that has been condemned by labour unions across the political spectrum. Multiple smaller private players are trying to edge their way in as well, with calls to legalise and regulate the industry gaining more traction following the WhatsApp forward’s virality.
The Agriculture Ministry was unavailable for comment.
EXCLUSIVE: Reliance Power to Nuke Billy Crudup in Dr. Manhattan Creation Attempt
“Blue Origin started it with Shatner and Star Trek”: Reliance Power Chief
Mumbai, January 2022: Reliance Industries acquired the rights to Watchmen from DC Comics’ parent corporation AT&T, and have also signed a lifelong exclusive contract with actor Billy Crudup. They will be attempting a once-in-a-lifetime (Billy Crudup’s lifetime) experiment by detonating a nuclear bomb on Billy Crudup’s head in an attempt to turn him into Dr. Manhattan.
Insider reports suggest that initially, Reliance Power approached the Blue Men and Women of Earth (BMW-E), an organisation with worldwide membership of over 300 pigmentationally-challenged people, to help fake the Dr. Manhattan creation attempt, in the same vein as how the US government allegedly faked the 1969 and subsequent moon landings. While the chairperson, Ms. Violet McNeel was initially interested in using the project as a means of increasing awareness for blue people the world over, she rejected the offer after hearing some inflammatory and discriminatory comments from the executives at Reliance Power. They were also not happy with Reliance’s ambition to collaborate with SpaceX.
Subsequently, the CEO of Reliance Power, Ms. Radha Deshmukh, approached Ambani with the problem, who promptly suggested buying out DC Comics and Billy Crudup and recreating the experiment from the comics. AT&T officials were reticent on selling the entirety of DC Comics, and instead sold the rights to Watchmen alone. Billy Crudup reportedly caved to the nuclear experiment soon after hearing the compensation figures, which are yet to be made public.
There was much debate in the public sphere about where the experiment would take place.
The top options were Russia, the moon and Mars. First, Putin denied permission to reuse sites from Chernobyl for the experiment. They then considered approaching the Chinese government, that controls the Communist Party of the Moon. They decided against working with communists due to perceived idealogical differences, and had to approach SpaceX for a Mars collaboration.
AT&T and SpaceX, along with Elon Musk, own the planet of Mars, which has been the site for the filming of the latest DC movies, as we have previously reported. Musk was enthusiastic, as he has long wanted to nuke the poles of Mars to increase the temperature of the planet in an effort to terraform it. “Two birds with one nuke. Stones are overrated.” he tweeted.
We also reached out to Grimes and Jared Leto, who confirmed that the mission to nuke Billy Crudup would in fact also be a 30 Seconds to Mars collaboration, despite bad blood between Leto and Musk, and the Musk-Grimes split. All the astronauts would travel in spacecraft that reach Mars in 30 seconds. Reliance’s Jio would own the rights to all original streaming content featuring Billy Crudup.
Watchmen (2006) will be pulled from HBOMax and will screen exclusively on JioCinema this Pongal.*
*Terms and Conditions Apply. Jio Sim necessary to stream. Batteries not included.
Good Samaritan Returns Six Kilos of Lost Cocaine
Drug Kingpin Rewards Man With Honorary Gang Membership and Six Tickets to Annual Winter Retreat
Helsinki, November 2021: In a fitting embodiment of Finnish character, a 65 year old dweller of Downtown Helsinki found two packs of cocaine abandoned by the side of the road, and utilizing his knowledge of the locality as well as his familiarity with decades of crime drama, returned it to the rightful owner. The Samaritan explained his adventure in an exclusive interview with The Grimes. The name of the Samaritan has not been disclosed to protect the identity of the Drug Kingpin.
The Samaritan, henceforth referred to as Sam, describes his situation right after finding the cocaine as a dilemma. On the one hand, handing it over to the police would have been the most responsible thing to do, but on the other hand, the poor salesman who’d just lost some expensive merchandise would have also faced jail time. On being asked whether he considered selling the cocaine and keeping the money himself, Sam said: “No.”
“Fucking immigrants. Can't keep their things safe. Dropping things here and there. Losing things. It's not right,” Sam continued in what began as a rant, but at some sentence endings seemed to have some coherent thought. “They should not be littering. You shouldn't be leaving bags of drugs where kids can find them accidentally. Tsk Tsk. The govt. should spend more on the integration of immigrants into the culture so that they learn not to bother others like this.”
“I had to do it. I had to track them down and return the cocaine myself,” Sam went on. “Can’t really trust the police anymore. They’re all young people. Always on their computer machines, trying to do everything without getting off their wheely chairs. Can’t do real police work like in the old days. They just collect random stuff, put ‘em in plastic bags, call ‘em “samples”, and send them off for someone else to take care of. It’s the result of all this Scandi Noir they sit and watch all day. They learn nothing. Kids should get out, go swimming and camping more.”
Sam also said that the honorary membership is great, sure, but he appreciates more the winter retreat. “We’ll spend the December in the Mediterranean. That’s as specific as I can be. My grand-daughters are really excited. It will be a very fun vacation.” It is believed that the Gang’s “Winter Retreat” might be a push toward business expansion in Southern Europe. Sam, however, denies all such rumours, and further adds that he can neither confirm nor deny whether he will be involved in any such transactions.
In Other News
Uncle Sam Considers Legalising Cocaine; Plan to Levy 50% State and Federal Tax Each
Cocaine Sellers and Buyers Unanimously Lobby to Stop Bill Passing
Blue Man Group Approached for Role as Primary Antagonists in Mars-based DC Movie
“Ain’t nobody got time for that”: BMG, After Eight Year Delay of Cameron’s Avatar 2
National Informatics Centre Begins Construction Of weed.gov.in
Wipro Inc. Hired for High Maintenance
pozdravy
momo & eggsy