Splitting Hares, Rabbits, and Pikas (THG S3 #5 of 20)
Squirrelly Beware
Dear reader:
Welcome to another issue of the Grimes, where the stories and the sentences that attempt to propound their veracity both appear to be not unlike Escher sentences but unusually end up being garden path sentences instead.
It did not take me four weeks to come up with that sentence, but it did take me four weeks to come up with that sentence. Snort if you know what we mean.
Momo hasn’t written in a while. I hope he does soon.
In this issue, I write about the plight of old grannies living in the woods, horny teenage interns unable to control their curiosity, and professional landlords keeping it real.
Yours indelibly ingratiating,
eggsy
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Bloody Double Murder Baffles Tampere Police
“It’s a grimm scene in the woods”: Forest Ranger, First on Scene
Tampere, Feb 2022: Two women, aged mid-70s and mid-20s and assumed related, were found murdered in an off-the-grid cottage near Keskisenkulma. Preliminary reports suggest that parts of the corpses were defiled and possibly consumed. Tampere Police have been unable to clarify whether this is a case of cannibalism or animal attack. Experts from Helsinki are expected on Monday.
“I didn’t even know the old woman lived here,” said Ms. Hellä Laukkanen, the Forest Ranger who discovered the bodies. “The granddaughter was probably only visiting her. We found a slightly stale cake, a pot of butter, and some bus tickets to indicate that. But, why would anyone do this? To these poor women?”
“They couldn’t have put up much of a fight. There’s no signs of any struggle,” said Officer Tatjana Lahtinen who’s in charge of the investigation. “There wasn’t even a proper lock on the door. Anyone could have entered in. All someone had to do was pull on the bobbin at the front door and the latch inside would just go up.”
Part-time Morgue Attendant Part-time Forensic Analyst and Full-time Crime-Drama Connoisseur, Ms. Tuija Tuominen was called to the scene. “Officer Lahtinen is right. There are no signs of struggle,” she said. “From the clues at the scene, it appears that the perpetrator had big arms, big legs, big ears, big eyes, and big teeth. Physically, that’s all we have. But, how loopy the perp was can only be determined after the “experts” from Helsinki come with their “gadgets” and “professional training”.”
Meanwhile, civil activists from Tampere and Turku have begun planning a protest convoy to Helsinki in order to bring attention to how old people are treated. “She should never have had to live alone in the forest”, says their newly launched website. Attempts online at blaming the victims for the incident have been firmly shut down.
The perpetrator is believed to be still at large. Woodcutters in the area have been urged to keep alert.
Psychedelic Research at Plant Biotech Lab Goes Awry
Part time lab assistant with penis stuck in glass test tube allegedly seduced by high culture
Amsterdam, Feb 2022: With the rise in social acceptance of marijuana use across much of N. America and further discussions around the globe about legalising its medical as well as recreational use, research into cannabis and psychedelics is maturing fast. American sci-tech media company The Verge describes it as “such science. very research. much promising”. The maturing science though seems to attract the most immature talents.
“There’s loads of funding in psychedelics. Governments, corporations, the public, everyone wants elevator music between their ears and the world to go bye-bye,” said Dr. Bhang Bhang, a leading expert in the country. At only forty-two years of age, Bhang does not resemble the stereotypical nerdy researcher. He continued, “Funding and Fascination. That’s what brings all the boys to my lab. And I’m not kidding. Loads of teenagers and young adults approach me asking for internships, some even offering to work for free. There’s a bright future for, no I mean in (sic) in this field.”
Many young researchers, in their classic white lab coats and sleep-deprived states, can be seen at the Psych-Biotech Interdisciplinary Department at the University. Many were willing to talk about their research. “We are introducing genes for psychoactive drugs in vegetables,” said Ms. Mary Jane. “Just imagine. How awesome would it be if you ate mashed potatoes and actually got mashed?”
“He is actually only 17,” she said upon being asked about the incident. “So even though he had his penis stuck in the glass test tube, none of us could even approach him, let alone ream him out about it.” Health authorities were contacted soon. But the local hospital classified it as a non-emergency and a wait time of 14 hours was estimated before he could see a doctor.
“Eventually, we had to call and bring in some under-18 Fire Department trainees to get him out of the hole he’d gotten himself into,” said Dr. S Doobie, his direct supervisor. “He’s too embarrassed to come back to work here anymore. So, we took a shard from the test tube, made it into a pendant, and gave it to him as a farewell present from the lab.”
There are expected some vigorous investigations as well as some grant applications to study the unusual psychological background to the incident. More on this is expected in 18-24 months.
Placeholder Real Estate Plots to Defraud Innocent Buyers
Sony India to produce Real Landlords of South Bombay
Chennai, Feb 2022: The Hindustan Grimes, with assistance from CBI - Mylapore Branch, conducted a sting operation after obtaining backchannel information about collusion between local bankers and real estate agents to defraud the buyers. A one-month long undercover operation by a recent college graduate who entered as a salesman aspiring to be rich (and who was remunerated by us as an intern), uncovered an unholy nexus between national banks and real estate corporations, comprising both local sahebs (or annas) to national moguls.
Most of the plots target first time buyers and small business owners trying to get on the real estate ladder and become homeowners. The real estate "community" derogatorily describes them as "book educated people who've come in the way of some money and are asking to be rid of it and slapped with huge debts". The corporations make construction sites on arbitrary pieces of land and get the customers dreaming of homes and bankers signing off on loans. Then they just abandon building mainly because they didn't buy the land first. And following that, the customers are left with lost deposits and huge loans that the bankers send bullies to continue paying for.
Placeholder Real Estate has been noted to be particularly notorious for this hoodwink. They take all the money and then move to a new city, a new construction site, and a new set of dreamers.
A newer generation of real estate corporations though have moved to a newer flimflam. They sell the same house to one another for increasingly higher amount while taking out a loan each time. While this can occur easily enough with naturally incompetent bankers, they bribe bankers for a more consistent incompetence. Eventually, they form a dummy corporation, transfer all the liability on it by taking out a huge loan, and then default. (It is as though they have seen Badmaash Company but their pirated copy of the movie did not have the last bits where the protagonist ends up in Jail.)
Upon being confronted about the potential inability of continuance of the sham, the CEO of Placeholder Ltd. said, "yeah, we've already got the next thing on. We'll just keep all the houses and just rent them out. My son came up with this. Why sell when you can have them pay consistently forever. We already have the funds to keep putting up huge buildings and even if we don't get permissions—as if the govt. will do anything—we have the funds to keep buying up properties from these suckers and then we'll charge them only to stay there."
Placeholder Real Estate is also in talks with Amazon for extending their Instant Personal Loan program for rent payment. With credit lines expected to open for rent payments, the cost of renting a house are going through the roof. "We tried talking to CRED about this too but we couldn't even understand the hustle they are running. They're just weird," said the CEO. "We're setting up a partnership anyway. Better to get to know the devil before he strikes."
Meanwhile, Chennai Buyers Club are planning a protest. A small faction tried to convince the others to collate money and use the collective bargaining power but that was quickly dismissed as a non-starter as that wouldn't satisfy everyone's needs. Now, they are at the mercy of the corporations and will have to pay higher prices. They might again resort to central purchasing a month and a half from now. More on that in due time. Rumours also suggest that they are likely to be shut down by the government soon as they only constitute a protest group now.
In Other News
EA Announces Plants vs. Zombies 4: The Harder They Fall
“Can Zombies Actually Get High?”: Pre-release Critics
Twenty-two people turn up for Society for Mediocrity Rally
"Mediocre people cannot afford irony": Some Guy at Rally
Friendly Local Screen Guild holds inaugural Gratitude Awards. Hosts decry thankless affair.
"I would like to thank Malini who has asked to remain anonymous and Hema who still holds that she has nothing to do with any of this.": Actor Natraj [name changed]
Woof,
eggsy