An I for an I makes Indivisibility really hard to spell (THG #19 of 20)

"Satire is the enemy" ~Alt News, probably

May 07, 2021

Dear reader:

Welcome to this season's penultimate issue of The Hindustan Grimes, where we write absurd descriptions of what our newsletter is about so while you are reminded of what this email is about, you are also confused.

Then, we bring you an update in the second paragraph. This was easier in the first few issues when new happenings were occurring, but has since become a place to plead for you to share our newsletter or a paragraph to do away with entirely.

Lastly, we bring you glimpses of what stories are to follow the letter. For our first story this week, we bring you the bizarre happenings in a given city, and delve into the reasons for said bizarrerie. We then review The Hindustan Grimes' Bestseller 'Satire for Dummies'. Lastly, we bring you the true context behind the quotes of some of the world's most famous people. Happy reading!

Yours spoofingly,

momo & eggsy

If a friend sent this to you and you'd like to subscribe, click here. If you'd like to share this issue with a friend, either forward the email, or use the link above to share it.

An absurd news headline about the event; possibly a twist

A directly unrelated byline off the tangent of the article

A City, May 2021: It is reported that the timeless bizarrerie that is the premise of this news story coincidentally occurred just this past week. The first paragraph then continues in a formal fashion, attempting to establish the premise of the story as factual. "Sometimes there's a quote to end the para too," said a well qualified interested party.

"Then come a few selected statements from a press release that would never happen," said a Mr. Apte Leen Ahmed, spokesperson for SULSFAM, India^. "The statement continues from the previous sentence as well as from the previous paragraph seamlessly to provide some necessary exposition of the event. Also, this statement corroborates our story because someone else said it."

The event in question must be viewed in the entirety of its context. We elaborate on how the event was influenced by many other tangential events, as we specify a particular event that we find more interesting. More often that not, most of the rest of the piece focuses on the tangential event, sometimes making that the primary focus of the entire story itself. To elaborate on the tangential event, we speak to members of guilds and unions, who are the people on the ground truly impacted by either the former or the tangential event, but more importantly, can give us insider information into the organisation. "Often times, we tell them not-so-shocking details of how bad the industry is," said a union representative who wished to be anonymous.

When we questioned Mr. Ahmed about the facts laid out by the union representative, his office had a response. "All these claims are nonsense, the union is out to get SULSFAM. We have the best tools in the country, and all claims made by these radical union leaders are baseless and must be dismissed. We don't like these workers, and I will make the situation all the more worse by continuing talking to you instead of ending this conversation, knowing that I might be fired as spokesperson tomorrow. After all, I am not a member of said union," Mr. Ahmed replied. We expect you to use these paragraphs to get a sense of the absurdity of the situation. We also quote tweets made by parties involved in the event, and link relevant websites.

We continue this exposition with many Oxford comma less, long-winded, and unintelligible sentences and quotes which usually corroborate our story, and occasionally go in the complete opposite direction.

Coming toward the end of the news report, there are a set of small paragraphs explaining how the event affects various other stakeholders including, but not limited to, the affected, the effector, a local bystander, spokesperson for the govt.*, people in the region, gays, feminists, vegans, socialists, and the aforementioned union leaders as well.

"The event affects me severely*,*" said a severely affected woman who chose to remain anonymous. She then proceeded to protest at the site of the event while holding funny placards and being shot at and hit over the head by photographers and police officers respectively. Police brutality is a staple after all.

The event was politically polarised and subsequently heavily debated on prime time news programs. The opposition opposed. The ruling ignored. Television anchors shouted. The opposition demanded apologies. The ruling blamed predecessors. Television anchors shouted more. The people then switched to IPL. But the IPL was cancelled, so they had to switch back.

If necessary, we then reach out to more relevant government spokespeople. We pretend to have been trying to reach them for over two days, but eventually give up, and say that they were unavailable for comment.

The event remains unresolved and the report concludes abruptly. We often promise to update you on the story, but only rarely do.

^SULFSAM = Society for Unintelligibly Long Fake Sounding Abbreviation Makers

*The PM doesn't speak to us either. Saying that would be too much of a lie to even induce doubt.

Satire For Dummies: A breath of fresh air or a marketing halitosis?

Dummies Association of America to sue "The Dummies" series for copyright infringement

The Hindustan Grimes' Editorial Board Conference Room, May 2021: We like to think of ourselves as a very self-aware newsletter. So, this issue is centered around acknowledging the tropes that we lean into while writing our stories. What we must also admit, of course, is we have no idea of what we are doing. We often read books on how to write satire. We say books, plural, but honestly, we've read one book, singular, on the subject. It's titled "Satire for Dummies" by O B Vyas Phakname. This is part of an ongoing collaboration with the "For Dummies" series. In fact, we are working with them to put out "Satire Newsletters on Substack for Dummies", our very own original title for the dummies series.

Now, let's hop into the review. The book is not at all structured, and is a veritable hot mess. The author has no idea what he's talking about. In fact, the book was denounced by the Indian English Grammar Association.

And that's lesson 1. Satire sometimes involves establishing a premise that need not be a reflection of anything. The premise might simply be to set up a larger joke, or might be to throw the reader off, or to add additional absurdity to the piece.

The book also recommends that all readers should subscribe to and read The Hindustan Grimes religiously. The publishers have no official affiliation with The Grimes, and they would like us to believe that they are making this recommendation purely out of merit. The Grimes was unavailable for comment.

And we have lesson #2. Never promote yourself unless it is clear you are being absurd, lest you come off as a dick. Address yourself in third person. And act like you don't know who the person you are referring to is.

The book soared on bestseller lists, and even got a blurb by famous satirists such as Saki. Saki said "Satire only works when you write funny stuff. Satire for Dummies does that. A guide to satire that is itself satire? Shut up and take my money." Take Saki's advice. Buy the book.

That's lesson no #3. Use real people, but fake quotes. Make sure the quote falls within the realm of what the speaker would say, at least the start of the quote. In the above example, the word satire is possibly the only word Saki himself would've said. Also, buy the book.

The book moves on to more abstract advice. "Understand that people are just as, or potentially more likely, to believe what you say as compared to prime time news shows and reputed national or local dailies. Use that." That's lesson #4.

There are at least 25 lessons to gather from the book. We would like to avoid spoiling the book, as we would like you to actually buy and read the book for INR 699 at Amazon.in.

Lesson #5 of many, if you run out of jokes, use a paywall to cut yourself off. No one pays for satire, so they'll never know that you didn't actually write 25 jokes.

Momo and Eggsy's Excellent Adventure

20% of bankruptcy cases result from teenagers failing to cancel subscription before free trial ends

Moodabidri, May 2021: Zoom Inc., which provides seamless communication services across space, has announced that it will soon add to its premium features list seamless communication across time as well^. The Grimes, due to its eminence as a public media body, was given exclusive early access. As a result, we interviewed myriad famous thinkers and historical figures from the previous century.

Presented below is a brief excerpt of the group interview.

The past 18 months have been terrible for the world. A viral pandemic, COVID19, has spread across the world and killed millions of people. Do you have advice for the people of your future?

Stalin: "This is no tragedy. A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Get over it."

But it brought the world to a standstill. Everyone was locked down, trying to save others from getting infected. We live in a society!

Thatcher: "There is no such thing as a society! The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples' money."

We know that the world leaders, Trump, Putin, Johnson, Modi, all made mistakes. But, you're saying locking down was a mistake?

Thatcher: "Of course. They are all men. I've always said, in politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."

Einstein: "Yes. Yes. This is all a game. God doesn't play dice with the world. These are culling techniques honed over millennia."

MLK, Jr.: "Truth. We are not makers of history; we are made by history."

I really don't think you are grasping the severity of the damage done here. Millions of people have died.

Einstein: "This reminds me of what Oppenheimer keeps saying at the university cafeteria: 'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.' All that radiation he works with has gotten to his head. Is the whole world irradiated perhaps?"

I will not answer that. But anyway, there is some hope. Numerous vaccines have been made to battle the virus...

Armstrong: "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."

Yes. The vaccines will save us. If only we could produce enough of them in time for it to matter.

Gandhi: "No. No. This is too much technology. We need to go back to our roots. In a gentle way, we can shake the world."

Oh! What do you suggest we do then?

Ali (interrupting Gandhi): "Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. The virus can't hit what it can't see."

Mandela: "No. No. Education. Education is the most powerful weapon we can use to change the world."

Stalin: "Really, Mr. Mandela? Education is a weapon, yes, but its effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed."

At the same time, we are spending thousands of crores on a new Parliament building. Do you think that's also one small step for the Indian man?

Sharma: "Saare jahan se acchha. Astronauts go to space and try to find their country and can't manage finding them. With the Vista, we Indians will be able to appreciate Hindustan even more."

But don't you think India's PM is cheating the Indian people by investing money into this project, rather than ramp up vaccine production? Isn't that criminal?

Nixon: I am not a crook.

Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Both of them together: Oh, that wasn't directed at me. Sorry. Force of habit.

Many are claiming this is a making of the Chinese. Is this not racism?

Churchill: "This is not a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. I can see how it can be the Chinese's doing. We shall fight them on the beaches. We shall never surrender Hong Kong."

Gandhi: "No. Inciting violence is not the right way. An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind."

So you do believe that the Chinese did it. You are racist.

Ford: "Racism? What racism? That ended long ago. Any customer of mine can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black."

MLK, Jr.: "I have a dream, a dream where I can drive a black car."

Ford: "You can do that in a Ford Model T."

MLK, Jr.: "Oh alright then."

The interview soon spiralled into discussions of racism, socialism, governance, and war. In the interest of censorship, the transcript of the interview is terminated here.

^As far back as the 1950s, for now.

The Grimes’ Definition of the Week

The Hindustan Grimes’ Issue #19: When you put out a fancy and self-aware issue talking about the format of your satirical newsletter, but deep down you're not sure if the issue is as fancy as you think it is. Commonly confused with every other issue of The Hindustan Grimes.

Barpe,